I think she was a sociopath.

Obviously I can’t diagnose anyone, but when I hear “horrible bosses”, there is a woman I think of immediately, even almost a decade later. Let’s call her “C”.

I was in my first consulting role, and “C” was a newly promoted manager who treated junior employees like servants. And being the only associate on the project, her demands were directed at me. In hindsight, she seemed to enjoy displaying her authority as a manager, & I was too new to the industry to know what was “normal”.

So, it wasn’t urgent. No one had requested it, and the information wasn’t relevant to the actual project. As soon as I mentioned the Director, she backed off, and the “assignment” was no longer mandatory. It seemed less about getting necessary work done and more about testing whether I would comply.

TLDR

1. Workplace abuse can be covert

2. You’re taught not to trust yourself

3. Masking relabels abuse as a performance issue

4. How to spot a horrible boss

5. What good leadership looks like

1. Workplace abuse can be covert

When we hear “abuse” we often picture screaming, name-calling, or physical aggression. But mistreatment in corporate environments can be much quieter: withheld information, shifting expectations, subtle humiliation, or repeatedly undermining someone’s work. Because the intent is often ambiguous, the pattern can be difficult to identify—especially for autistic people (Andersson & Pearson, 1999; Douglas et al., 2023).

There were other incidences over the course of my time with “C” that felt wrong, but I told myself I was just being “too sensitive” and needed to “work harder”.

Things like:

• Changing requirements after I completed the work, then chastising me for not doing something she never communicated.

• Giving vague “feedback” about my appearance instead of my work

• Expecting me to stay late at the office, even after my work was done, because she hadn’t left yet. (Asking her if there was anything I could help her with was met with “No”).

• Performing kindness in front of leadership, & making snide remarks in private.

There wasn’t just one unreasonable request; it was a repeated pattern that Organizational Psychologists define as “workplace bullying and abusive supervision” (Tepper, 2000).

That conversation was a relief. Because it meant that I wasn’t “too sensitive”. I hadn’t misread the situation. My performance wasn’t the problem. Her leadership was.

2. You’re taught not to trust yourself

At that time in my life, I didn’t know I was autistic or had ADHD. I’d already spent most of adulthood feeling like my needs/reactions were wrong because they were always different from everyone else’s. So when this experience with “C” came up, I was already primed to doubt myself and my perception of the situation.

Research shows that this isn’t an uncommon experience for late diagnosed autistic women. After years of masking and ignoring our discomfort to fit in, we might stop trusting our own judgment when a situation feels wrong (Bargiela et al., 2016; Wilson et al., 2023). So when a manager mistreats us, our immediate thought isn’t “This person is abusing their authority.”

Instead, we might think:

• Did I misunderstand the situation?/Am I overreacting?

• Is this just normal corporate politics?

That’s the trap. Sometimes we’re misreading the situation. Sometimes the situation is the problem.

3. Masking relabels abuse as a performance issue

Many late-diagnosed women are high-masking—they study other people, copy expected behavior, hide discomfort, and constantly self-correct to fit in (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019; Cook et al., 2022).

Along with mistrusting my own perception, I treated her actions as evidence that I needed to self-correct. I thought: “I just need to work harder & prove I can handle pressure”, and “Maybe all new associates figure it out without training and I’m just not cut out for consulting?”

She faced no pressure to change her treatment towards me, until my colleague told the project Director what was happening. My “performance issues” then magically disappeared and her power-play demands decreased.

4. How do you spot a horrible boss?

Workplace bullying is identified by repeated harmful behavior—not whether you can prove intent (Einarsen et al., 2009). Instead of asking yourself whether you’re “too sensitive”, look at the pattern:

1. Are expectations specific, actionable, and documented?

2. Is feedback tied to observable work outcomes?

3. Are comparable employees treated comparably?

4. Are you given the information, tools, and authority needed to succeed?

5. Can you ask for clarification without ridicule or retaliation?

6. Does your boss address problems directly—or keep you anxious and guessing?

7. Are you constantly adapting while your boss remains unaccountable?

If the rules keep changing, the goals keep moving, and asking for clarity gets you punished/ridiculed, stop assuming you’re the problem. (Note: These questions don’t prove abuse. They just help expose a pattern).

5. What good leadership looks like?

According to organizational psychology, a leader’s job is to create the conditions for people to succeed. A good leader makes success possible.

Good leaders:

1. Set clear expectations & provide clarity

2. Make competent decisions

3. Provide the tools & info people need

4. Remove barriers

5. Give direct, actionable feedback

6. Develop and recognize employees

7. Give people autonomy

8. Take responsibility when they get it wrong

   (Yukl, 2012)

What was the outcome?

“C” wasn’t my first horrible boss. I luckily had a colleague who taught me how to “manage up”—strategies for establishing boundaries & polite ways of forcing her to provide clear instructions, under the framework of being a “high performer”.

As a result of “C”, I was able to identify red flags to look out for, and incorporate the lessons learns into methods that made it more difficult for bad managers to make unreasonable demands (without looking like complete A-holes and having leadership above them see it). Luckily that project was only a few months, so I was able to work under new people who showed me what good leadership actually looked like.

When you spend years assuming your autistic needs and reactions are the problem, you may also blame yourself when someone mistreats you. The goal isn’t to become better at tolerating mistreatment. It’s to recognize the pattern sooner and stop automatically assuming you’re the problem.

Do you have a horrible boss & need some resources?

SUBSCRIBE to be notified when my “Manage Up” toolkit launches (understand how to properly document issues, avoid common mistakes, enforce boundaries & identify legal vs. illegal scenarios).

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If you need time off because you’re burnt out, read about Medical Leave FAQs

About the Author

Hey! I’m glad you’re here. Starting this newsletter was a way for me to share my special interests, connect with other tired ladies, & help folks who may be struggling like I was. Don’t be shy, say hi.

What am I doing when I’m not writing? I live in the PNW in the U.S, & still work in Corporate America. Outside of that, I’m a garden gremlin, trail troll, weightlifting couch potato, who reads way too many fantasy romance novels. Lately my special interest has been Dahlias & gardening.

References

^{Andersson, L. M., & Pearson, C. M. (1999). Tit for tat? The spiraling effect of incivility in the workplace. Academy of Management Review, 24(3), 452–471. https://doi.org/10.5465/amr.1999.2202131}

^{Bargiela, S., Steward, R., & Mandy, W. (2016). The experiences of late-diagnosed women with autism spectrum conditions: An investigation of the female autism phenotype. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 46(10), 3281–3294. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-016-2872-8}

^{Cage, E., & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the reasons, contexts and costs of camouflaging for autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899–1911. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-018-03878-x}

^{Cook, J., Crane, L., Hull, L., Bourne, L., & Mandy, W. (2022). Self-reported camouflaging behaviours used by autistic adults during everyday social interactions. Autism, 26(2), 406–421. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613211026754}

^{Douglas, S., & Sedgewick, F. (2024). Experiences of interpersonal victimization and abuse among autistic people. Autism, 28(7), 1732–1745. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613231205630}

^{Einarsen, S., Hoel, H., & Notelaers, G. (2009). Measuring exposure to bullying and harassment at work: Validity, factor structure and psychometric properties of the Negative Acts Questionnaire–Revised. Work & Stress, 23(1), 24–44. https://doi.org/10.1080/02678370902815673}

^{Tepper, B. J. (2000). Consequences of abusive supervision. Academy of Management Journal, 43(2), 178–190. https://doi.org/10.2307/1556375}

^{Wilson, R. B., Thompson, A. R., Rowse, G., Smith, R., Dugdale, A.-S., & Freeth, M. (2023). Autistic women’s experiences of self-compassion after receiving their diagnosis in adulthood. Autism, 27(5), 1336–1347. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613221136752}

^{Yukl, G. (2012). Effective leadership behavior: What we know and what questions need more attention. Academy of Management Perspectives, 26(4), 66–85. https://doi.org/10.5465/amp.2012.0088}

^{NOTE: This post provides general educational information from an HR and risk-management perspective. It is not legal or medical advice, and laws and professional requirements vary by location and situation. Consider having your materials reviewed by a qualified professional.}

Is Your Content Helpful or Legally Liable?

I love that SubStack has become a place where neurodivergent people can share information many of us were never given. But in the six-ish weeks I’ve been on SubStack, I’ve noticed a trend that makes me nervous:

Well-intentioned neurodivergent authors publishing high-stakes guides without realizing how those templates could negatively affect the people who rely on them—or create legal risk for themselves.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve privately messaged 9 different Neurodivergent authors regarding the templates they were distributing to their readers, specifically because I could see unintended legal risks and consequences to the people using them.

I’m specifically talking about workplace, accommodation, disability & medical guides for the neurodivergent community—templates, scripts, checklists, and digital tools that tell people what to say, write, submit, disclose, or do when dealing with their employers, HR/Boss, healthcare providers, insurance companies, or leave and disability administrators.

There is a practical difference between sharing lived experience & explaining how a process generally works VS. giving someone a tool designed to guide their actions in that process.

Education Vs. Guidance

This isn’t a clean legal boundary but the more specific, directive, individualized, or outcome-focused a resource/tool becomes, the more carefully its possible consequences should be reviewed. The person creating the guide may understand the general process perfectly and still not recognize every employment, legal, medical, insurance, or privacy implication of telling thousands of strangers to use a specific approach or language.

Potential Risk Area

What a person writes, submits, or says to an employer, HR representative, boss, insurer, or healthcare provider may be documented & could potentially be used against them if a dispute comes up later. This includes emails, forms, documents, meetings, phone calls, and other verbal conversations.

That’s why neurodivergent writers and readers need to distinguish between general education and guidance. Sharing information is valuable.

But legal, medical, or employer-specific guidance should be developed or reviewed by a qualified subject-matter expert.

A Few Real Examples of Risky Guidance I’ve Seen

1. “At-will employment means your options/rights are limited”
   The template I saw with this info could’ve caused people to give up leave, accommodations, benefits, or job protections they qualified for.

2. HR email generators: encouraged permanent written statements that were inaccurate, overly aggressive, legally unsupported, disclosed wayyy to much unnecessary info, or could put the person at a legal disadvantage later.

3. “Tell HR, your boss, & coworkers about your ADHD/Autism/job limitations”
   This encouraged people to disclose/distribute private medical info unnecessarily, that could’ve invited prejudice or been used against them later in a legal dispute

4. “Use this email template if your boss is mistreating you”
   The template used legal verbiage & accusations w/o consideration of whether the facts supported them—creating a permanent written record & potentially escalating already tense situations.

I say this as someone with 13+ years of experience in HR.

You’ll notice that what I’ve published so far is only FAQs or my own lived experience—I have yet to distribute digital guides/workbooks, and there’s a reason for that:

Something that protects one person could create a problem for another depending on their employer, documentation, medical situation, location, leave status, prior communications, and dozens of other details.

So, as a good rule of thumb:

Neurodivergent Authors:

• If you’re publishing, selling, or distributing workplace or medical related guides, templates, scripts, checklists, or other tools that tell people HOW to navigate a process that impacts employment/job, legal rights, health benefits, medical situation, etc. get them reviewed by a SME who understands that process — whether that might be an employment attorney, experienced HR professional, healthcare professional, insurance expert, or another relevant subject-matter expert.

Neurodivergent Readers:

• Don’t assume a guide, template, script, or checklist is accurate just because it looks professional or was created by someone with lived experience. Before you submit, send, disclose, record, or act on anything that could affect your job, benefits, health, or legal rights, verify it with a qualified professional who understands your specific situation.

People can be extremely knowledgeable about a topic and still miss a legal, medical, employment, or insurance implication that could create harmful consequences.

I’m all for knowledge sharing & democratization of info.

Next Steps: Audit Your Content

1. Find anything that tells people what to do

   Review every template, script, checklist, sample email, form, decision tool, and step-by-step guide. Flag anything that tells someone what to say, submit, disclose, document, or do.

2. Verify every factual claim

   Check your claims against current laws, government guidance, official policies, plan documents, or other primary sources. Don’t rely only on another creator’s summary or an AI-generated answer.

3. Get high-stakes guidance reviewed

   If your tool could affect someone’s job, health, employment, accommodations, disability claim, insurance, benefits, privacy, or legal rights, have it reviewed by a qualified expert who understands that specific process to ensure you’re not unintentionally creating harm for others. Or just remove it completely.

4. And remember: a “this is not legal or medical advice” disclaimer is useful context, but it doesn’t correct unsafe instructions.

Keep sharing information.

Just make sure the tools you create to help people are designed and described carefully enough that they do not unintentionally hurt the people who trust them—or expose you to avoidable risk.

Subscribe now

Question to Authors:

What are some ways you’ve created an ethical writing practice in the resources you’ve shared? Have you had any lessons learned? I’d love to learn more about it!

^{NOTE: This article provides general educational info. about U.S. medical leave laws & employer leave benefits. Eligibility depends on your employer, your state, your medical condition, & your individual circumstances. Laws, regulations, and employer policies can change. This article is not employment, legal, or medical advice. Consider consulting a qualified professional about your specific situation.}

Quitting too soon could cost you thousands.

Before you resign, find out whether you qualify for medical leave. Depending on what you qualify for, you may be able to take time off without losing your job, receive income while you’re off work, or both.

When I was experiencing autistic burnout and its effects—depression, executive dysfunction, and panic attacks—I looked into taking medical leave. That decision gave me 6 months of paid time off to get the care and rest I needed, as well as a modified work schedule when I returned to work. If I had quit like I had initially thought of doing, I would’ve been more stressed out from a lack of income and health insurance. Don’t make the mistake I almost did and be informed before you quit.

Jump to a section

1. What is medical leave?

2. What options are available?

3. How do these options work together?

4. Do I automatically get paid on medical leave?

5. Understanding FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act)

6. Understanding ADA (American Disabilities Act)

7. Understanding State Paid Leave Programs

8. Understanding Employer Benefits

9. Can I go on medical leave for Neurodivergent burnout?

10. Will I need to provide medical documentation?

11. Who will know I’m on medical leave?

12. How do I start the process?

13. Biggest mistakes to avoid?

    ---

1. What is medical leave?

Medical leave means taking time away from work because of your own medical condition. One of the biggest misconceptions is that “medical leave” is one program in the U.S. It’s not.

“Medical leave” is an umbrella term for several different options. Each option serves a different purpose, and you may qualify for more than one at the same time.

(U.S. Department of Labor [DOL])

2) What options are available?

There are generally 4 main sources of medical leave in the U.S. Depending on your situation, you may qualify for more than one at the same time, or none at all (DOL).

• FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act)

• ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act)

• State Paid Leave Programs

• Employer Benefits (such as Short-Term Disability and Long-Term Disability)

3) How do these options work together?

They often work together rather than replacing one another (DOL). Example: You experience severe autistic burnout, & your healthcare provider determines you’re temporarily unable to work. You apply & qualify for these options:

• FMLA → It protects your job (DOL, 2025)

• Short-Term Disability → It replaces your income under your employer’s disability plan (DOL)

• State Paid Leave → It provides wage replacement, under your state’s program (NCSL, 2025)

• ADA accommodation → It allows unpaid leave as a reasonable accommodation or lets you return to work later with reasonable medically appropriate workplace accommodations (EEOC, 2016)

4) Do I automatically get paid on medical leave?

No. It depends on the options you qualify for. Remember, “medical leave” is an umbrella term—different options provide different protections (DOL).

5) Understanding FMLA

• What is it? The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) is a federal law that provides eligible employees with up to 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave for qualifying medical and family reasons.

• What does it do? If you’re eligible, FMLA generally:

  • Helps prevent your employer from firing you because you’re taking approved FMLA leave. (Your employer may still terminate your employment for legitimate reasons unrelated to your leave, such as a company-wide layoff or business closure)

  • Requires your employer to continue your health insurance under the same terms as if you were working

  • Allows you to return to the same or equivalent job when your leave is over

• Which employers must follow FMLA?

  • Employers that have 50 or more employees (for at least 20 workweeks in the current or previous calendar year)

  • All public agencies (federal, state, and local governments)

  • All public and private elementary and secondary schools

• How do you qualify? You generally must:

  • work for a covered employer as an employee (contractors don’t qualify)

  • have worked there for at least 12 months

  • have worked at least 1,250 hours during the previous 12 months

  • work at a location covered by FMLA

  • provide medical documentation if your employer requests it

(DOL, 2025)

6. Understanding the ADA

What is it? The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) is a federal disability rights law. Its goal is to help qualified employees continue working through reasonable accommodations. If medical leave would help you recover and return to work, unpaid leave may be a reasonable accommodation if it doesn’t create an undue hardship (eg. significant difficulty or expense) for the employer.

• What does it do? If you’re eligible, the ADA may:

  • Require your employer to consider unpaid leave as a reasonable accommodation, including after FMLA has been exhausted

  • Require your employer to engage in the interactive process to determine whether leave is a reasonable accommodation

  • Require paid leave IF paid leave is available under your employer’s policies or another benefit you qualify for

• Which employers must follow ADA?

  • Most private employers with 15+ employees.

  • State and local government employers with 15+ employees.

  • Federal employees are covered by the Rehabilitation Act, which provides similar protections.

• How do you qualify? You generally must:

  • Be an employee & have a disability under the ADA

  • Be able to perform the essential functions of your job with or w/o a reasonable accommodation.

  • Show that leave is medically necessary because of your disability.

  • Provide medical documentation supporting the need for leave & show that the leave is likely to help you return to work.

(EEOC, 2016)

7. Understanding State Paid Leave Programs

• What is it? Some states have paid medical and family leave programs that offer additional protections/benefits while you are unable to work. These programs are separate from FMLA.

• What does it do? Depending on your state, these programs may provide:

  • Wage replacement while you’re on leave.

  • Medical leave for your own serious health condition.

  • Family leave to care for a family member or bond with a new child.

  • Job protection (in some states or situations)

• How do you qualify? Eligibility, benefits, and application requirements vary by state. Check your state’s paid leave program or labor department website to determine whether you qualify.

(NCSL, 2025)

8. Understanding Employer Benefits

What is it? Your employer may offer extra programs (”benefits”) beyond what the law requires to help employees who need time off because of a medical condition. These can include Short-Term Disability (STD), Long-Term Disability (LTD), leave of absence policies, and Employee Assistance Programs.

Check your employee handbook/HR portal, or email your HR rep for more info.

Short-Term Disability (STD)

• What is it? An insurance benefit offered by some employers that replaces part or all of your income for a limited time, if a medical condition temporarily prevents you from working. The amount of money you receive depends on your employer’s plan. Many plans replace about 50–70% of your income for 3–6 months, although some employers offer more generous benefits (such as up to 100% of pay or benefits lasting up to 12 months)

Long-Term Disability (LTD)

• What is it? Long-Term Disability (LTD) is an insurance benefit offered by some employers that replaces part of your income AFTER your Short-Term Disability benefits end (if you are still unable to work because of your medical condition). The amount you receive and how long benefits last depend on your employer’s LTD plan.

How do you qualify? The disability insurance company usually decides whether you meet the policy’s definition of disability. To qualify, you generally must:

• Be covered by your employer’s policy

• Meet the policy’s definition of disability & meet plan requirements

• Provide medical documentation from your healthcare provider.

(DOL)

9. Can I go on medical leave for burnout?

Possibly. Burnout itself is not a medical diagnosis. However, autistic & ADHD burnout can contribute to medically documented conditions that make you temporarily unable to work (eg Severe executive dysfunction, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, Panic attacks, Insomnia, Cognitive impairment, etc.)

What matters is whether your medically documented condition prevents you from performing your job and meets the requirements of the leave program or benefit you’re requesting (DOL)

10. Will I need to provide medical documentation?

Usually, yes. Your employer/the insurance plan may require medical documentation from your healthcare provider.

11. Who at work will know I’m on medical leave?

It depends on your employer but the people who may know include:

• HR or your leave administrator (to process your leave).

• Your supervisor (they usually need to know you’ll be absent, but not your medical details).

• Your coworkers generally should not be told why you’re on leave—only that you’re on leave.

(EEOC; DOL)

12. How do I start the process?

Start by talking to your healthcare provider and reviewing your employer’s medical leave process.

13. Biggest Mistakes to avoid?

• Oversharing. You generally do not need to tell your employer/boss/team your diagnosis, treatment plan, or personal medical history when requesting medical leave. Share only the info. needed to support your leave request (ADA).

• Relying ONLY on your manager. Your manager may not know your company’s medical leave process or eligibility requirements. If you have questions about medical leave, email HR or your leave administrator first rather than relying only on verbal info. from your manager (DOL).

• Not creating a paper trail. Keep your medical leave request and important follow-up conversations in writing. If you discuss your leave verbally, send a follow-up email summarizing what was discussed, any decisions made, and the next steps. This helps document your request and can be important if questions or disputes arise later (ADA).

Need a detailed step by step?

About the Author

Hey! I’m glad you’re here. Starting this newsletter was a way for me to share my special interests, connect with other tired 30+s ladies, & help folks who may be struggling like I was. Don’t be shy, say hi.

What am I doing when I’m not writing? I live in the PNW in the U.S, & still work in Corporate America. Outside of that, I’m a garden gremlin, trail troll, dog lover, weightlifting couch potato, who reads way too many fantasy romance novels. Lately my special interest has been Dahlias & gardening.

References

^{Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. (2016). Employer-provided leave and the Americans with Disabilities Act. https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/guidance/employer-provided-leave-and-americans-disabilities-act}

^{Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. (n.d.). Disability discrimination. https://www.eeoc.gov/disability-discrimination}

^{National Conference of State Legislatures. (2025). Paid family and medical leave. https://www.ncsl.org/labor-and-employment/paid-family-and-medical-leave}

^{U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. (2002). Enforcement guidance on reasonable accommodation and undue hardship under the Americans with Disabilities Act. https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/guidance/enforcement-guidance-reasonable-accommodation-and-undue-hardship-under-ada}

^{U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. (n.d.). Disability discrimination and reasonable accommodation: Medical inquiries, leave and telework. https://www.eeoc.gov/disability-discrimination-and-reasonable-accommodation-medical-inquiries-leave-and-telework}

^{U.S. Department of Labor. (2025). Fact Sheet #28: The Family and Medical Leave Act. https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fact-sheets/28-fmla}

^{U.S. Department of Labor. (n.d.). Employment laws: Medical and disability-related leave. https://www.dol.gov/agencies/odep/publications/fact-sheets/employment-laws-medical-and-disability-related-leave}

^{U.S. Department of Labor, Wage and Hour Division. (2025). Fact Sheet #28A: Employee protections under the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA). https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fact-sheets/28a-fmla-employee-protections}

I have RBF - “resting bitch face”

At least that’s what I’ve been told my entire life. As long as I can remember, people’s reaction to my relaxed face was to ask me, “What’s wrong?”, “Are you upset?”, “Why do you look so mad?”. Or they assumed I was mean, stuck-up, or disliked them.

What is masking?

I learned early in life that my facial expressions affected how other people reacted to me and treated me. And because my relaxed face was often interpreted negatively I learned to change it.

For most of my adult life, at work and in social interactions, I’ve intentionally “fixed my face”—consciously raised my eyebrows, arranged my mouth into a slight smile, and forced eye contact—so I appeared “more friendly.”

This is called masking. Masking refers to strategies autistic people use to hide or compensate for autistic traits in social situations, such as copying others, rehearsing convos, or closely monitoring their behavior (Hull et al., 2017).

Why do autistic people mask?

Autistic people mask to fit in socially, but also to make other people feel comfortable. Smiling so others feel at ease. Making eye contact so others feel heard. Changing their tone so they don’t sound “rude”. They monitor other people’s reactions and adjust themselves accordingly—often at the expense of their own comfort—as a way to manage the feelings of others (Hull et al., 2017).

I “fix my face” not because I want to or like to, but because I’m aware of how uncomfortable other people may feel with my relaxed state. (It was common that when I wasn’t masking, acquaintances or people I had just met would later tell me they initially thought I didn't like them—or that I came off as arrogant).

Why are so many women diagnosed late?

Historically, autism research focused largely on boys and men, which contributed to autism being overlooked in girls and women—especially those who mask (Bargiela et al., 2016). There’s also a stereotype that autistic people are “obviously” socially awkward or lack social skills. But many late-diagnosed autistic women learn to mask their social difficulties by observing others and developing strategies to navigate social situations (Bargiela et al., 2016; Hull et al., 2017).

So because they may appear socially skilled, friendly, and confident—and because their social difficulties aren’t as visible—their autism can be missed. In high masking late diagnosed women, the social struggle is often internal. There is a conscious effort internally to observe, analyze, monitor, adjust and overthink social interactions (Bargiela et al. 2016).

So instead of asking: “Can she socialize?”.

The better question is: “How much conscious effort does socializing require of her?”.

Masking Takes a Toll

Everyone adjusts their behavior sometimes. But autistic masking often involves constantly and consciously managing things that others may do more automatically—facial expressions, eye contact, tone, body language, and social responses.

That constant self-monitoring takes energy. Research describes masking as mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting (Hull et al., 2017), and greater masking has been associated with greater autistic burnout (Benatov et al., 2025).

Someone can look completely fine on the outside while working incredibly hard to look that way. Over time, that effort can contribute to burnout. It did for me.

Learning to Unmask

Since my diagnosis, I’ve slowly unmasked at work and in my personal life. I don’t “fix my face” as often any more, and I prioritize my own energy needs rather than managing the feelings of others. It’s made a huge difference in my burnout recovery.

Women are often expected to prioritize other people’s comfort, and for me, masking became another way of doing that. Learning to unmask has meant giving myself permission to prioritize my own comfort and energy. The people I keep in my life understand and accept this.

Wherever you are in your journey, I hope you know that your needs matter—and your relaxed, unmasked RBF is allowed to show up.

^{Note: This is my personal experience, not medical advice. If you recognize yourself in it, consider talking to a clinician who can help you figure out what you’re dealing with and what support fits.}

Wondering if you’re autistic, or want to unmask but don’t know where to start?

SUBSCRIBE to access 2 free widely used autism self-screening tools, and be notified when the “Unmasking research-informed guide” is available in the upcoming weeks

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To learn more about Autism and ADHD, read these AuDHD FAQ basics.

About the Author

Hey! I’m glad you’re here. Starting this newsletter was a way for me to share my special interests, connect with other tired ladies, & help folks who may be struggling like I was. Don’t be shy, say hi.

What am I doing when I’m not writing? I live in the PNW in the U.S, & still work in Corporate America. Outside of that, I’m a garden gremlin, trail troll, weightlifting couch potato, who reads way too many fantasy romance novels. Lately my special interest has been Dahlias & gardening.

References

^{Bargiela, S., Steward, R., & Mandy, W. (2016). The experiences of late-diagnosed women with autism spectrum conditions: An investigation of the female autism phenotype. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 46(10), 3281–3294. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-016-2872-8}

^{Benatov, J., Sarel-Mahlev, E., & Bar Yehuda, S. (2025). Camouflage, burnout-exhaustion, and depression in autistic adults. Autism in Adulthood. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2024.0147}

^{Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C., & Mandy, W. (2017). “Putting on my best normal”: Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47, 2519–2534. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3166-5}

Alcohol turned down the noise

When I was in my 20s and undiagnosed, alcohol became a coping mechanism.

Despite hating the taste of it, when I drank alcohol, my brain felt calm. I could hold onto one thought instead of having multiple streams of thoughts going in different directions. It was like someone turned down the volume in my brain: I wasn’t analyzing everything at once. I wasn’t anxious. I could articulate my thoughts w/o having to think so hard.

Years later, now that I know I’m AuDHD, I realize that alcohol gave me temporary relief from a brain I didn’t understand.

The job that gave me safety

I finished graduate school and was hired into a “Big Four consulting firm”. This meant more to me than just “having a good job.” It meant financial security—the American dream. I was suddenly working alongside people whose parents were CEOs & Fortune 500 executives—people who grew up with access to a privileged world that was totally foreign to me. Coming from a blue-collar family, I felt like I had made it into a room I wasn’t supposed to be in.

And being in that room meant safety. Growing up with scarcity, it was drilled into me that you worked hard, made sacrifices, & earned as much money as possible so you could take care of yourself & your family. And I had done it. I had something generations of women in my family before me never had—financial security, independence and options.

But it came with a cost

Consulting meant long work hours, demanding clients, Monday-Thursday travel, and enormous pressure to perform. Alcohol was normalized within that environment; it was how people socialized and decompressed after a long day.

This was a standard work day:

• 8am - 6 pm we were at the office

• 6:30 pm - 8 pm dinner with colleagues

• 8 pm -11 pm people continued working in their hotel rooms.

I drank alcohol every evening—not just because I was working in a high-stress environment, but because it seemed to do something else for me: it quieted my brain.

What alcohol does to the brain temporarily

Alcohol affects areas of the human brain involved in reward, stress, inhibition, and executive functioning. It can activate the reward system while temporarily reducing stress and anxiety responses. At the same time, it lowers inhibition and interferes with judgment, self-control, and decision-making (NIAAA, 2021).

So alcohol wasn’t making my brain function better. But in the moment, less anxiety, less inhibition, and less self-monitoring felt like calm.

Instead of:

• Did I say the wrong thing?

• What does that person mean?

• Am I making sense?

• Am I making enough eye contact? Too much?

Plus all the other thoughts competing for my attention at the same time. There was just one thought at a time. And that calm felt incredible.

Alcohol is short-term relief with long-term consequences

The calm comes at a health cost. Factually — alcohol is toxic to the body. It’s a known carcinogen and linked to more than 200 diseases, injuries, and other health conditions. Even one drink a day carries some health risk (WHO, 2024). The effects can also make functioning harder the next day because alcohol disrupts sleep, and impacts your attention span, memory, decision-making, & executive functioning (Gunn et al., 2018).

So I was drinking to get relief from anxiety, mental overload, and exhaustion—only to make those same struggles harder the next day.

And my experience isn’t unique. Research shows that people with ADHD are at higher risk of alcohol addiction, and that autistic adults may use alcohol to cope with anxiety and to make communication & socializing feel easier (Crunelle et al., 2018; Brosnan & Adams, 2020).

Looking back

When I look back now, I don’t see someone who was just drinking too much. I was using alcohol to cope with things I didn’t yet have names for: difficulty regulating my attention, masking, social anxiety, sensory overwhelm, and constantly monitoring myself.

I see a woman desperately trying to hold onto something generations of women in her family never had. And I thought keeping it meant I had to tolerate whatever the job demanded of me.

So I told myself to try harder. I worked 60-hour weeks. I masked. I drank.

Post Diagnosis

I rarely drink now. Not because getting diagnosed made life easier, but because I finally understand why alcohol felt so helpful in the first place. I know what overwhelms me, why my brain gets overloaded, and what I actually need. Alcohol isn’t worth the tradeoff anymore.

The diagnosis has made me look differently at the things I used to do just to get through life. If you’re late diagnosed, you may look back at your own past—drinking, overworking, people-pleasing, masking, isolating, or pushing yourself past your limits and ask: Why was I doing that?

For me, the answer is clear—I was trying to cope with a brain I didn’t understand.

So what now?

If this made you question your own relationship with alcohol, SUBSCRIBE to access a free validated screening tool to help you understand your drinking patterns.

You’ll also get resources for finding healthier ways to work with your brain—from workplace accommodations to templates for interacting with HR and your employer.

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^{Note: This is my personal experience, not medical advice. If you recognize yourself in it, consider talking to a clinician who can help you figure out what you’re dealing with and what support fits.}

References

^{Barber, W., Aslan, B., Meynen, T., Marsden, J., Chamberlain, S. R., Paleri, V., & Sinclair, J. M. A. (2025). Alcohol use among populations with autism spectrum disorder: Narrative systematic review. BJPsych Open, 11(1), e15. https://doi.org/10.1192/bjo.2024.824}

^{Brosnan, M., & Adams, S. (2020). The expectancies and motivations for heavy episodic drinking of alcohol in autistic adults. Autism in Adulthood, 2(4), 317–324.}

^{Crunelle, C. L., van den Brink, W., Moggi, F., Konstenius, M., Franck, J., Levin, F. R., van de Glind, G., Demetrovics, Z., Coetzee, C., Luderer, M., Schellekens, A., ICASA Consensus Group, & Matthys, F. (2018). International consensus statement on screening, diagnosis and treatment of substance use disorder patients with comorbid attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. European Addiction Research, 24(1), 43–51. https://doi.org/10.1159/000487767}

^{Day, A. M., Kahler, C. W., Ahern, D. C., & Clark, U. S. (2015). Executive functioning in alcohol use studies: A brief review of findings and challenges in assessment. Current Drug Abuse Reviews, 8(1), 26–40. https://doi.org/10.2174/1874473708666150416110515}

^{Gunn, C., Mackus, M., Griffin, C., Munafò, M. R., & Adams, S. (2018). A systematic review of the next-day effects of heavy alcohol consumption on cognitive performance. Addiction, 113(12), 2182–2193. https://doi.org/10.1111/add.14404}

^{National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) (2021). The cycle of alcohol addiction. National Institutes of Health. NIAAA source. https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/cycle-alcohol-addiction}

^{World Health Organization. (2024). Alcohol. WHO alcohol fact sheet. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/alcohol}

^{Young, S., Abbasian, C., Al-Attar, Z., Branney, P., Colley, B., Cortese, S., Cubbin, S., Deeley, Q., Gudjonsson, G. H., Hill, P., Hollingdale, J., Jenden, S., Johnson, J., Judge, D., Lewis, A., Mason, P., Mukherjee, R., Nutt, D., Roberts, J., ... Cocallis, K. (2023). Identification and treatment of individuals with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and substance use disorder: An expert consensus statement. World Journal of Psychiatry, 13(3), 84–112. https://doi.org/10.5498/wjp.v13.i3.84}

^{NOTE: This article provides general educational information about U.S. workplace accommodations under the ADA. Eligibility and available accommodations depend on your employer, job duties, medical condition, location, and individual circumstances. Laws, regulations, and employer policies can change. This article is **not** legal, employment, HR, or medical advice. Consider consulting a qualified professional about your specific situation.}

Jump to a question

1. What’s an accommodation?

2. What’s the ADA & EEOC?

3. What companies have to provide accommodations?

4. Do I qualify for an accommodation?

5. Is there a waiting period to qualify?

6. How do I initiate the request?

7. Do I have to reveal my diagnosis?

8. Should my medical provider write a letter?

9. What type of medical info can my employer request?

10. What mistakes should I avoid?

11. What happens after I request an accommodation?

12. Will my coworkers find out?

13. When can my employer legally deny an accommodation request?

14. What accommodations can I ask for?

15. Can they punish me for requesting one?

    ---

1. What’s an accommodation?

An accommodation is a change to how or where you work that removes barriers and gives you equal access to all aspects of employment, including training and advancement (EEOC).

2. What’s the ADA & EEOC?

• The ADA - (Americans with Disabilities Act) is a federal law that protects people with disabilities and requires companies to provide reasonable accommodations to qualified employees.

• The EEOC - (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission) is the federal agency that enforces the laws against workplace discrimination, including the disability protections in the ADA. It’s where you can file a complaint if you’re discriminated against or denied a reasonable accommodation

  (ADA National Network; EEOC).

3. What companies have to provide accommodations?

Most employers — but it depends on the type:

1. Businesses with 15 or more employees (the 15 must be on the payroll for at least 20 weeks of the current or prior year; part-timers count, independent contractors don’t) (EEOC).

2. State & local government employers — city and county offices, public schools, and libraries — covered no matter how few people they employ. Employment agencies and labor unions are covered too (ADA National Network).

3. Federal government jobs are covered under a near-identical law, the Rehabilitation Act, and organizations that receive federal funding are covered by another part of it (Section 504) that can reach employers with fewer than 15 people (EEOC).

4. Exempt from the ADA: businesses with fewer than 15 employees, Native American tribes, and bona fide private membership clubs (EEOC). But many state and local laws set a much lower bar — some as low as one employee — so a small business may still be covered under state law (Northeast ADA Center).

4. Do I qualify for an accommodation?

You likely qualify under the ADA if you meet these 4 conditions.

1. Your employer falls into 1, 2, or 3 listed above in section #3.

2. You’re an employee — not a contractor.

3. You have a condition that counts as a disability under the ADA

   (Autism and ADHD can qualify as disabilities under the ADA if they substantially limit one or more major life activities).

4. You can perform your job’s essential duties (with or w/o an accommodation).

(ADA National Network, EEOC).

5. Is there a waiting period to qualify?

No. There’s no minimum time on the job before you qualify—a new employee may qualify exactly like a longtime one, with no length-of-service, hours requirement or deadline to ask for one (ADA National Network).

6. How do I initiate the request with my employer?

First, check your employee handbook or HR portal for your company’s accommodation process. If you can’t find either, contact your manager or HR representative.

Your request can be verbal or via email; it doesn’t have to be in writing. BUT, requesting it in writing is best practice and can protect you if issues come up later (ADA National Network).

7. Do I have to reveal my diagnosis?

No, your request should be focused on 2 areas: work-related limitations and the accommodation that would address it (EEOC). You don’t have to disclose it’s ADHD or Autism.

For example: “I’d like to request an accommodation. I have a medical condition that makes it difficult to concentrate with background noise, and noise-canceling headphones or a quieter desk would help me focus and meet deadlines.”

8. Should my medical provider write a letter?

It’s a good idea but not always necessary. Since autism and ADHD are usually invisible, employers can request more info, but you can make your request first and provide documentation later if they ask.

In many cases, a letter from your provider describing your functional limitations and the recommended accommodation can be enough. But some employers have their own accommodation forms they’ll want your provider to complete instead.

Ask your HR representative whether they require a specific form or whether a provider’s letter is sufficient — that way your provider only has to do it once (EEOC).

9. What type of medical info can my employer request?

They can only ask for enough to show you have a covered condition that creates the need for the accommodation — your functional limitations and how they connect to what you’re requesting. They’re not entitled to your full medical file, treatment history, or diagnosis details (EEOC).

10. What mistakes should I avoid?

1. Over-sharing. People share unnecessary info with HR/supervisors/colleagues—like their diagnosis, treatment plans, & personal struggles. Keep the convo focused on the functional limitations & accommodations you need.

2. Relying ONLY on your manager. Your manager may not know your company’s accommodation process or worker rights. If you have questions about accommodations, email HR or your leave administrator first rather than solely relying on verbal info. from your manager

3. No paper trail. If it’s not in writing, it’s hard to prove. Most protections only kick in once your employer knows you need accommodation — no record means they can say you never told them. A paper trail documents your timeline, prevents disputes over what was agreed upon, and can help show a connection if retaliation occurs after the request.

   (ADA National Network)

11. What happens after I request an accommodation?

Your request kicks off the “interactive process”. The “interactive process” is just a back-and-forth convo between you & your employer to agree on an accommodation that works.

There’s no fixed legal deadline for this, but they’re expected to respond & work with you to identify reasonable solutions—they can’t ignore your request or stall indefinitely. Unreasonable foot-dragging can count as failing to accommodate if a workable accommodation exists (EEOC).

12. Will my coworkers find out?

Your employer generally can’t tell your coworkers that you have a disability or are receiving an accommodation. Only people who need to know — like a supervisor implementing the change or HR — may be informed, and only what’s necessary (EEOC).

13. When can my employer legally deny an accommodation request?

Your employer doesn’t have to give you the exact accommodation you request. They’re required to engage in the interactive process and identify an effective, reasonable accommodation. That means they can suggest other options that address your work-related limitations, as long as the alternative is actually effective and allows you to perform the essential functions of your job (EEOC).

Your employer doesn’t have to:

• Provide an accommodation that’s too costly or disruptive — if it’s very expensive or would fundamentally change how the business runs, that’s an “undue hardship.”

• Eliminate an essential function of your job — they can adjust how you do core tasks, but not remove them.

• Lower performance or production standards that apply to everyone.

• Provide personal-use items you’d need on and off the job (like glasses or a wheelchair).

• Excuse violations of conduct rules that are job-related and apply to all employees.

(EEOC)

14. What accommodations can I ask for?

The key is matching the accommodation to your specific limitation — not just picking from a menu. Employers approve accommodations that address a documented need, so the strongest request names the limitation & the fix together.

Some examples:

• Time: flex hrs, remote/hybrid work, regular breaks, reduced or modified schedule

• Communication: written instructions, visual aids, camera-optional meetings,

• Structure: steady routines, regular check-ins, direct and actionable feedback

• Tools: timers, reminders, planners, assistive tech, and neurodiversity coaching

(AbsenceSoft, 2026a, 2026b; Sachs Center, 2026; JAN, 2025)

15. Can they punish me for asking?

No. It’s illegal for your employer to punish you for requesting an accommodation. This is called retaliation. “Punishing” means treating you worse because you asked. That includes:

• Firing you, cutting your hours, or lowering your pay

• Skipping you for a promotion, raise, or training

• Moving you to a worse shift or role

• Unfair bad reviews or write-ups

• Leaving you out of meetings or projects

• Suddenly nitpicking your work or being hostile to you

(EEOC)

4 things to know:

1. You’re protected even if they deny the request. You just have to have asked.

2. If the accommodation is denied, the employer should provide a reason & explore alternatives with you rather than just ending the conversation.

3. If bad treatment starts right after you ask, that timing is a red flag. (BUT real performance issues are still fair game — asking doesn’t make you untouchable.)

4. If you believe you’re experiencing retaliation, write down what changed & when. You can get free help from AskJAN.org and file a complaint with the EEOC.

   (ADA National Network)

Need more info on the process?

1. SUBSCRIBE to be notified when my Worker Accommodation Starter Kit is available

   Subscribe now

2. Read about medical leave FAQs HERE.

3. Or reduce the guesswork & book a 1:1 virtual Strategy Session to organize your documentation, understand the leave process, & get an action plan.

^{Note: This article is for general understanding, not employment, legal, or medical advice. Information is drawn from reputable agencies and organizations, but laws, guidance, and policies can change. Please consider consulting a qualified professional who can help you figure out solutions that fit your specific situation.}

References

^{AbsenceSoft. (2026a). Top workplace accommodations for employees with autism spectrum disorder. https://absencesoft.com/resources/top-accommodations-for-employees-with-autism/}

^{AbsenceSoft. (2026b). Key strategies for providing ADHD accommodations at work. https://absencesoft.com/resources/accommodating-employees-with-adhd-at-work/}

^{ADA National Network. (2026). A guide to requesting reasonable accommodations. https://adata.org/employment-resource-hub/guide-requesting-reasonable-accommodations}

^{Job Accommodation Network. (2025). Cost and benefits of accommodations. https://askjan.org/topics/costs.cfm}

^{Northeast ADA Center. (2026). What is Title I of the ADA? Cornell University. https://www.northeastada.org/askada/what-is-title-i-of-the-ada}

^{Sachs Center. (2026). The high-masking woman’s guide to ADHD & autism diagnosis in 2026. https://sachscenter.com/the-high-masking-woman-s-guide-to-adhd-autism-diagnosis-in-2026-2/}

^{Sagebrush Counseling. (2026). Autistic women at work: The extra layer of masking. https://www.sagebrushcounseling.com/blog/autistic-women-at-work}

^{Staley, B. S., Robinson, L. R., Claussen, A. H., Katz, S. M., Danielson, M. L., Summers, A. D., Farr, S. L., Bitsko, R. H., & Cree, R. A. (2024). Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder diagnosis, treatment, and telehealth use in adults — National Center for Health Statistics Rapid Surveys System, United States, October–November 2023. MMWR Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 73(40), 890–895. https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/73/wr/mm7340a1.htm}

^{U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. (2026). Facts about the Americans with Disabilities Act. https://www.eeoc.gov/sites/default/files/migrated_files/facts/fs-ada.pdf}

^{U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. (2026). Small employers and reasonable accommodation. https://www.eeoc.gov/publications/small-employers-and-reasonable-accommodation}

^{U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. (2026). The ADA: Your employment rights as an individual with a disability. https://www.eeoc.gov/publications/ada-your-employment-rights-individual-disability}

^{World Economic Forum. (2026). How late neurodiversity diagnoses cost women and economies. https://www.weforum.org/stories/2026/03/invisible-workforce-late-neurodiversity-diagnoses-cost-women-economies/}

^{Content note: This piece mentions suicidal ideation and burnout. If that's a hard place for you right now, take care of yourself—come back when it's right, or skip completely}

There were mornings when I woke up & wish I hadn’t.

Prior to my diagnosis, there were days when my first waking thought was, “I can’t do this anymore”. It was on repeat—as I got ready for work, ran meetings, talked to coworkers, and went through all the actions that made me a “high performer”.

I thought I was just an anxious introvert.

Despite doing well at my corporate job, I never felt like I fit in, and couldn’t relate to the things other people cared about. And the things everyone else seemed to do naturally were things I had to consciously build systems & reminders for.

Things like:

• Being hyperaware of maintaining eye contact

• Consciously maintaining a "friendly" facial expression.

• Hiding sensory overwhelm, & hating obligatory small talk

• Having mental scripts for conversations & rehearsing them in my head

• Creating detailed systems & triple-checking to compensate for executive functioning challenges

• Replaying convos in my head afterward, scanning & analyzing the situation

Looking back, I realized my exhaustion came from the constant self-monitoring required to appear "normal”—e.g masking. It's also one reason many late-diagnosed autistic women are initially diagnosed with anxiety.

Being '“normal” was exhausting.

On the surface, by every measurable metric, I was thriving— good job, good friends, physically fit, financially secure, owned a home, nice travel. But behind the scenes, I was running on empty and couldn’t understand why simply existing was so tiring.

I’d finish work and collapse on the couch. Most days, my dog was the only interaction I had the bandwidth for, and weekends were spent recovering in couch-potato mode. Long periods of alone time was always needed. Even simple text conversations felt mentally draining. And I had zero desire or patience to interact with any human, even people I liked.

Physically my body was healthy - blood tests came back normal, sleep averaged ~8 hours a night, worked out ~4x a week, meal prepped so food intake was nutritionally dense. I looked great.

But I felt like shit.

“Sounds like depression”

My doctor said it was anxiety and depression, and prescribed an antidepressant. I accepted that as the answer—at first. I took the medication as instructed and it seemed to help for a short time. But I was still exhausted, and something in my gut told me it was more than that.

So I kept looking for answers, & spent thousands of dollars trying to figure out why —hormone testing, allergy testing, nutritional assessments, functional medicine. I knew something was wrong; I just didn’t have the right framework to understand what I was experiencing.

And I was right —I now know the depression/exhaustion was the result of prolonged masking and burnout. This is common in late-diagnosed women, because our nervous systems spend years working overtime to manage sensory overload, social expectations, and the constant effort of appearing “normal”.

The “aha moment”

I remember the exact moment a friend mentioned she’d been assessed for ADHD and started describing her brain, and I got this, “omg, is that what it is?!” vertigo.

So I did what we all do. I went down the internet rabbit hole at 2 AM. I took the unofficial quizzes. I watched videos of people explaining things I’d assumed was just my “flaws”. And I scheduled an appointment to get assessed.

The autism piece came later, and slower — because I “didn’t look autistic.” I was “too pretty to be autistic.” I made eye contact. I had friends and accomplishments.

It took a good assessor to point out that I ran my life on coping mechanisms and exhaustion. That I’d built an entire personality out of masking, and then spent years wondering why I was so tired.

Post-diagnosis

The diagnosis helped me understand my brain was built one way, and I was in a world built for another. I’d spent years white-knuckling life and calling it “being an adult”.

But the diagnosis gave me permission to stop forcing myself to fit into something that wasn’t working. It reframed the situation from me just “being weird”, “not trying hard enough” or “antisocial” to “my body needs rest”. I started prioritizing my brain and nervous system — unmasking, noticing my sensory needs, and stopped giving a fu*k about social obligations.

Some mornings are still tough, but I don’t see them as a personal failure anymore. I see them as a sign that I need to slow down, prioritize myself, and give my nervous system the rest it needs.

Are you in burnout or wondering what your options are?

If you suspect you’re in burnout, read about the 9 burnout signs, AuDHD burnout faqs, or review worker accommodations and medical leave articles to explore your options.

Need a detailed step by step?

SUBSCRIBE to be notified when my Medical Leave Starter Kit (with step-by-step checklists, timelines, email templates, and worksheets) is available.

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^{Note: This is my personal experience, not medical advice. If you recognize yourself in it, consider talking to a clinician who can help you figure out what you're dealing with and what support fits. And if you're struggling right now: in the US, you can call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline—free, confidential, and available 24/7.}

^{NOTE: These FAQs provide general educational information about ND burnout. Symptoms and support needs vary by person, and similar symptoms may have other medical or mental health causes. This information is not medical, mental health, legal, or employment advice and should not be used to diagnose or treat any condition. Consider consulting a qualified healthcare professional about your specific situation.}

Jump to a question

1. What is burnout?

2. Is burnout just being tired?

3. What are the types of burnout?

4. What does neurotypical burnout look like?

5. What does ADHD burnout look like & what causes it?

6. What does Autistic burnout look like & what causes it?

7. What does AuDHD burnout look like?

8. How is recovery different?

9. Why does burnout hit neurodivergent women so hard?

   ---

1. What is burnout?

Burnout is a syndrome that builds up from long-term stress that hasn’t been managed well (World Health Organization, 2019). Research breaks it into three parts:

1. feeling completely drained

2. feeling numb or checked-out

3. feeling like you’re not good at anything anymore

The big takeaway is that burnout happens when your environment asks more of you than you have to give. It’s not a character flaw or weakness (Maslach & Leiter, 2016).

2. Is burnout just being tired?

No. Regular tiredness gets better after sleep or a weekend off. Burnout doesn’t — it’s exhaustion that rest alone doesn’t fix, and for neurodivergent people it often comes with skills disappearing (Raymaker et al., 2020).

3. What are the types of burnout?

There’s the “textbook” work burnout most people mean, autistic burnout, burnout associated with ADHD-related challenges, and the overlap that can happen when you’re AuDHD. The underlying factors can be different, which is why generic burnout advice doesn’t always address what’s actually driving the exhaustion (Raymaker et al., 2020).

4. What does neurotypical burnout look like?

Usually tied to a job or caregiving:

• Drained even after resting

• Cynical or detached about the thing draining you

• Feeling like nothing you do matters

When the load actually lifts, you tend to recover, because the problem is mostly the load itself (Maslach & Leiter, 2016).

5. What does ADHD burnout look like & what causes it?

ADHD burnout commonly looks like:

• Constant mental fatigue

• Difficulty initiating or finishing tasks

• Feeling overwhelmed by simple responsibilities

• Emotional disregulation and irritability

• Losing interest in hobbies because everything feels like effort

• Poor concentration beyond your usual ADHD baseline

(Understood, 2026; Attention Deficit Disorder Association, 2025)

Causes of ADHD burnout:

• Chronic stress

• Trying to compensate for executive dysfunction

• Overcommitting

• Perfectionism

• Constant urgency and deadlines

ADHD burnout comes from the invisible, nonstop effort of managing and masking your ADHD just to keep up (Understood, 2026; Attention Deficit Disorder Association, 2025).

6. What does autistic burnout look like & what causes it?

Autistic burnout commonly looks like:

• Extreme exhaustion that sleep alone doesn’t fix

• Increased sensory sensitivity (noise, light, touch, smells)

• Difficulty speaking or finding words

• Needing much more solitude

• Increased stimming

• More frequent meltdowns or shutdowns

• Temporary loss of previously reliable skills (planning, communication, self-care)

The last one is the scary part, and it’s what sets autistic burnout apart. Things you normally handle fine can suddenly become impossible. It’s not laziness — it’s overload

(Raymaker et al., 2020; Mantzalas et al., 2022)).

Causes of Autistic burnout:

• Long-term masking

• Sensory overload

• Social expectations

• Lack of accommodations

• Living in environments that require constant adaptation

The research sums it up as chronic life stress plus a mismatch between what’s expected of you and what you can manage — without enough support to bridge the gap (Raymaker et al., 2020).

7. What does AuDHD burnout look like?

If you have both ADHD & autism, you can experience a mix of symptoms and causes listed in sections 5 & 6. The cycle could look like this:

1. ADHD drives you to take on too much or work in bursts of hyper-focus.

2. Autism becomes overwhelmed by the constant unpredictability, masking, and sensory input.

3. You crash into exhaustion that includes both executive dysfunction and stronger autistic traits.

   (Raymaker et al., 2020)

Managing both sets of demands at once is why AuDHD burnout can feel so relentless.

8. How is recovery different?

For people who are AuDHD, recovery is a combination of the two below.

For ADHD burnout (Attention Deficit Disorder Association, 2025; Understood, 2026):

• Reduce demands

• Improve sleep

• Simplify routines

• Externalize tasks (calendars, reminders)

• Treat underlying ADHD symptoms if appropriate

For autistic burnout (Raymaker et al., 2020):

• Reduce sensory input

• Stop masking where it’s safe

• Spend time in predictable environments

• Lower social demands

• Allow recovery without forcing productivity

What does that look like? Activities, routines and daily schedules that soothe the nervous system. Prioritizing ~7-10 hours of sleep, gentle daily exercise via walks, stretching/yoga, somatic breath work, proper nutrition, hydration, and limiting dopamine hits from social media and technology, etc.

Note: Rest alone usually isn’t enough if the thing draining you is still there. You can’t out-nap an environment that doesn’t fit you, and researchers warned that pushing people to mask harder can be harmful (Raymaker et al., 2020).

9. Why does burnout hit neurodivergent women so hard?

A big reason is masking (or camouflaging) — hiding your traits to seem “normal” to fit in. Research consistently links masking to burnout, because you’re constantly monitoring and managing yourself (Miller et al., 2021; Raymaker et al., 2020).

Masking is one of the leading explanations for why so many women get diagnosed late or missed entirely — they’ve learned to look “fine” while running on empty underneath (Miller et al., 2021). A lot of us spent years masking, “high-performing”, “over achieving” with no diagnosis and no support. That’s a setup for burnout.

How do you recover without torching your career?

Read about your options— worker accommodations and medical leave FAQs

Need a detailed step by step?

SUBSCRIBE to be notified when my Medical Leave Starter Kit (with step-by-step checklists, timelines, email templates, and worksheets) is available.

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^{Note: This page is for general understanding, not medical advice. If you’re in burnout, please consider consulting a clinician who can help you figure out what you’re dealing with and what support fits.}

References

^{Attention Deficit Disorder Association. (2025). ADHD burnout: Cycle, symptoms, and causes. https://add.org/adhd-burnout/}

^{Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Understanding the burnout experience: Recent research and its implications for psychiatry. World Psychiatry, 15(2), 103–111. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20311}

^{Mantzalas, J., Richdale, A. L., Adikari, A., Lowe, J., & Dissanayake, C. (2022). What is autistic burnout? A thematic analysis of posts on two online platforms. Autism in Adulthood, 4(1), 52–65. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2021.0021}

^{Miller, D., Rees, J., & Pearson, A. (2021). “Masking is life”: Experiences of masking in autistic and nonautistic adults. Autism in Adulthood, 3(4), 330–338. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2020.0083}

^{Raymaker, D. M., Teo, A. R., Steckler, N. A., Lentz, B., Scharer, M., Delos Santos, A., Kapp, S. K., Hunter, M., Joyce, A., & Nicolaidis, C. (2020). “Having all of your internal resources exhausted beyond measure and being left with no clean-up crew”: Defining autistic burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), 132–143. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2019.0079}

^{Understood. (2026). ADHD burnout. https://www.understood.org/en/articles/adhd-burnout}

^{World Health Organization. (2019, May 28). Burn-out an “occupational phenomenon”: International Classification of Diseases. https://www.who.int/news/item/28-05-2019-burn-out-an-occupational-phenomenon-international-classification-of-diseases}

Jump to a question

1. What is neurodivergent vs neurotypical?

2. What is Autism?

3. What is ADHD?

4. What is AuDHD?

5. Is AuDHD an official diagnosis?

6. Can you be autistic and ADHD at the same time?

7. How common is it to have both?

8. Why do I feel pulled in two directions?

9. What is masking/ “high-masking”?

10. Why is AuDHD missed so often in women?

11. Is self-diagnosis valid?

12. How do I get assessed as an adult?

13. Does having both change treatment or medication?

1. What is neurodivergent vs neurotypical?

Quick answer: Two words for brains that are wired differently — neither is “better.” They are natural human variations.

• Neurodivergent describes a brain that works differently from what society treats as the default; an umbrella that includes autism, ADHD, dyslexia & more.

• Neurotypical describes a brain that fits default expectations.

(The Brain Charity, 2025; Cleveland Clinic, 2025).

2. What is Autism?

Quick answer: A neurodevelopmental difference in how someone communicates, senses, and focuses.

Autism is present at birth and shapes how a person experiences social interaction, sensory input, and interests. That can look like reading unspoken social rules differently, needing routine, focusing deeply on specific interests, and having heightened (or muted) responses to things like sound, light, or texture (WebMD, 2025).

3. What is ADHD?

Quick answer: A neuro-developmental difference in attention, activity level, and impulse control.

ADHD affects how someone regulates attention, energy, and impulses. It can show up as difficulty focusing (or intense hyperfocus), restlessness, forgetfulness, trouble with time and acting or speaking on impulse (Autistica, 2025).

It’s tied to how the brain uses chemical messengers like dopamine & norepinephrine, which help regulate focus, motivation, and reward — so it’s a difference in regulation, not a lack of effort or intelligence (Attention Deficit Disorder Association, 2026; The Conversation, 2026).

4. What is AuDHD?

Quick answer: It’s shorthand for being both autistic and ADHD.

It’s not a third, separate condition. It’s a word the neurodivergent community uses to describe what it’s like to live with both sets of traits at once — because that combined experience is different from having just one (Child Mind Institute, 2026; Embrace Autism, 2024).

5. Is AuDHD an official diagnosis?

Quick answer: No — it’s a community term, not a clinical one.

You won’t find “AuDHD” in the diagnostic manuals. If you get formally assessed, your paperwork will list the two conditions separately: autism and ADHD. “AuDHD” is just a faster, friendlier way to say both (Child Mind Institute, 2026; Embrace Autism, 2024).

6. Can you be autistic and ADHD at the same time?

Quick answer: Yes — but the rules only changed recently.

Until 2013, clinicians weren’t allowed to diagnose both in the same person. The manual treated them as either/or. That rule was dropped, which is a big reason so many people are only now getting the full picture (Child Mind Institute, 2026; Medical News Today, 2024).

7. How common is it to have both?

Quick answer: Very common.

Estimates vary, but research suggests a large share of autistic people also meet the criteria for ADHD. The overlap is far more common than the old “either/or” model assumed (Child Mind Institute, 2026; WebMD, 2025).

8. Why do I feel pulled in two directions?

Quick answer: Because some autistic and ADHD traits want opposite things.

For example: one part of you craves routine, structure, and sameness. Another part gets bored, restless, and craves novelty. That internal tug-of-war is one of the most recognizable parts of the AuDHD experience (Autistica, 2025).

9. What is masking/”high-masking”?

Quick answer: Hiding or suppressing neurodivergent traits to seem “neurotypical.”

Masking (or “high-masking”) is when someone — consciously or automatically — covers up their autistic or ADHD traits to fit in: forcing eye contact, scripting conversations in advance, suppressing stims or hiding overwhelm.

It can help you get through school or work, but it’s exhausting, and over time it’s linked to burnout, anxiety, and losing touch with who you actually are. It’s also a big reason so many woman are undiagnosed for years

(National Autistic Society; Psychology Today, 2024).

10. Why is AuDHD missed so often in women?

Quick answer: The diagnostic picture was built on boys, and women mask.

Traits often show up more internally — hidden overwhelm, private burnout, performed socializing, sensory-sensitivities. On the surface it can look like anxiety, perfectionism, or “high-functioning,” so the root cause gets missed. This is a huge reason late diagnosis is so common in women (HeyASD, 2026; Sachs Center, 2026).

11. Is self-diagnosis valid?

Quick answer: Yes — self-recognition is a valid starting point.

Many people begin by recognizing themselves, often through validated screening tools and other people’s stories. Research shows self-identification is frequently accurate. A formal assessment is one option — not a requirement for understanding yourself (HeyASD, 2026; Seasons of Growth Counseling, 2024).

12. How do I get assessed as an adult?

Quick answer: A real assessment is more than a quick quiz.

A diagnosis usually includes an evaluation of your developmental history, a clinical interview, & validated tools — not just a single online test. It should be completed by a qualified healthcare professional with training in diagnosing autism and/or ADHD in adults (ADDitude, 2026; WebMD, 2025).

13. Does having both change treatment or medication?

Quick answer: Yes — support usually needs to account for both.

Medication can help with ADHD symptoms; there’s no medication for autism itself. Because the two sets of needs can pull in different directions, most people do best with a combination of support tailored to them, rather than a one-size-fits-all fix (Medical News Today, 2024).

Wondering if you’re autistic?

Subscribe to access two free autistic self-screening tools — the same kind clinicians use as a starting point — so you can explore where you land, on your own time, no appointment required. (Note: these are screening tools, not a diagnosis — high scores just means “worth exploring with a professional”).

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Read more about autistic masking or what my burnout/autism felt like.

Note: This page is for general understanding, not medical advice. If something in your life is causing distress and support might help, consider talking to a professional who understands both autism and ADHD in adults.

References

^{ADDitude. (2026, March 24). AuDHD: ADHD and adult autism symptoms, diagnosis & interventions for both.https://www.additudemag.com/adult-autism-symptoms-adhd/}

^{Attention Deficit Disorder Association. (2026, April 23). Inside the ADHD brain: Structure, function, and chemistry.https://add.org/adhd-brain/}

^{Autistica. (2025, October 21). ADHD and autism. https://www.autistica.org.uk/what-is-autism/adhd-and-autism}

^{The Brain Charity. (2025, March 26). Neurodivergent, neurodiversity and neurotypical: A guide to the terms.https://www.thebraincharity.org.uk/neurodivergent-neurodiversity-neurotypical-explained/}

^{Child Mind Institute. (2026, March 23). What is AuDHD? https://childmind.org/article/what-is-audhd/}

^{Cleveland Clinic. (2025, December 19). Neurodivergent: What it is, symptoms & types.https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/symptoms/23154-neurodivergent}

^{The Conversation. (2026, March 31). ADHD brains present unique challenges, but the condition is highly treatable — a primary care nurse practitioner with ADHD explains the science. https://theconversation.com/adhd-brains-present-unique-challenges-but-the-condition-is-highly-treatable-a-primary-care-nurse-practitioner-with-adhd-explains-the-science-230062}

^{Embrace Autism. (2024, March 8). An introduction to AuDHD. https://embrace-autism.com/an-introduction-to-audhd/}

^{HeyASD. (2026). Autism in women: Signs, masking and late diagnosis. https://www.heyasd.com/blogs/autism/autism-in-women}

^{Medical News Today. (2024, October 21). AuDHD: When autism and ADHD co-occur.https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/audhd}

^{National Autistic Society. (n.d.). Masking. https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/behaviour/masking}

^{News-Medical. (2025, April 30). Study links impaired synaptic pruning to autism. https://www.news-medical.net/news/20250430/Study-links-impaired-synaptic-pruning-to-autism.aspx}

^{Psychology Today. (2024, January 31). Masking. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/masking}

^{Sachs Center. (2026, April 27). The rise of AuDHD: Why high-masking women are finally getting the right diagnosis in 2026. https://sachscenter.com/the-rise-of-audhd-why-high-masking-women-are-finally-getting-the-right-diagnosis/}

^{Seasons of Growth Counseling. (2024, November 29). Unmasking autism: 6 common experiences of late-diagnosed autistic women. https://www.seasonsofgrowthcounseling.com/blog/common-experiences-of-late-diagnosed-autistic-women}

^{The Transmitter. (2024, October 1). New studies reveal how autism might alter synapse formation, pruning.https://www.thetransmitter.org/spectrum/new-studies-reveal-how-autism-might-alter-synapse-formation-pruning/}

^{WebMD. (2025, April 6). AuDHD (autism and ADHD). https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/audhd}

You’re good at your job. A “high-performer”. And now things that used to be easy are hard. You’re exhausted and feel like you can’t do it anymore.

What is Autistic burnout?

• Regular burnout is too much work, not enough rest.

• Autistic burnout is chronic stress and a mismatch between what’s expected of you and what you can sustain. It shows up as long-term exhaustion, loss of function, and a shrinking tolerance to stimulation (Raymaker et al., 2020; National Autistic Society).

9 signs of burnout

1. Rest doesn’t fix it

You slept nine hours. You had the weekend. You went on vacation. And you’re still exhausted. Normal tired responds to rest. This doesn’t. (Raymaker et al., 2020).

2. Your sensory tolerance tanked

Things you used to filter out now feel like sandpaper. Lights, pings, someone’s lunch, a coworker’s perfume. A reduced tolerance to stimulation is a feature of burnout (Raymaker et al., 2020).

3. Skills are slipping

Brain fog. A loss of functioning. You forget things. You read the same paragraph five times without understanding the words. Writing an email takes forever. Things that were muscle memory now take real effort (Raymaker et al., 2020).

4. The mask is hard to put on

Small talk. Eye contact. Being “on.” You used to be able to do it. Now you can’t (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019).

5. You’re crushing it at work and falling apart everywhere else

This is the one that keeps women undiagnosed for years. Work gets your best because the stakes are highest, and home gets the leftovers: dishes, laundry, unanswered texts, your health, crackers for dinner, relationships (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019).

6. The meltdowns are getting more frequent

Crying in the bathroom. Going quiet after a big meeting. Sitting in the car spaced out. If it’s happening more often, pay attention.

7. Your special interests aren’t enjoyable

Things that used to light you up feel flat. When they’re no longer enjoyable, or you’re not doing them, that’s a sign.

8. Your body is keeping score

Constant low-grade sickness. Headaches. Stomach trouble. Jaw clenching. Panic attacks. Brain fog.

9. Constantly thinking “I can’t do this anymore.”

Same job, same hours. But you just feel exhausted. You brush it off because nothing’s “bad enough” to explain how you feel, but you’re still miserable regardless.

If any of those are familiar

If this resonates & you’re in a rough spot right now, please reach out to a doctor, therapist, or someone you trust. Recovery isn’t a bubble bath or a week off. It’s lightening the load: fewer demands, less masking, real accommodations, and permission to stop performing for a while (Raymaker et al., 2020).

How do you recover without torching your career?

Read about worker accommodations and medical leave to explore your options. SUBSCRIBE to be notified when my Medical Leave Starter Kit (with step-by-step checklists, timelines, email templates, and worksheets) is available.

Subscribe now

^{Note: This page is for general understanding, not medical advice. If you’re in burnout, please consider consulting a clinician who can help you figure out what you’re dealing with and what support fits.}

References

^{Cage, E., & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the reasons, contexts and costs of camouflaging for autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899–1911. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-018-03878-x}

^{National Autistic Society. (n.d.). Understanding autistic burnout. Retrieved July 1, 2026, from https://www.autism.org.uk/learn/knowledge-hub/professional-practice/autistic-burnout}

^{Raymaker, D. M., Teo, A. R., Steckler, N. A., Lentz, B., Scharer, M., Delos Santos, A., Kapp, S. K., Hunter, M., Joyce, A., & Nicolaidis, C. (2020). “Having all of your internal resources exhausted beyond measure and being left with no clean-up crew”: Defining autistic burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), 132–143. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2019.0079}