You weren’t born prioritizing everyone but yourself

You were trained to. If you experienced emotional neglect as a child & was diagnosed late in life, you’re probably the kind of employee corporations love to exploit—conditioned to over-give, self-neglect, and ask for little in return. I definitely was.

Be a “Good Girl”

Feelings weren’t discussed in my family; they were avoided. My parents focused on survival—paying the bills and giving their kids the security and opportunities they never had. No one had made space for their emotions, so they didn’t know how to make space for their kids’ emotions.

In our house, disagreeing with adults was disrespectful. Blind obedience was expected. Self-advocacy was dismissed. If I cried or expressed distress, I heard: “What do you have to cry about? Your parents aren’t dead yet. Be a GOOD GIRL. Stop crying.”

I learned that being a “good girl” meant neglecting my needs, obeying authority, and never inconveniencing others by speaking up.

My parents worked constantly and came home exhausted, so I spent most of my time alone in my room reading. No one ever asked about my day, what I thought, how I felt, or what was happening in my life. So I learned to never ask myself those questions too.

Eventually I became an adult that treated my own feelings, thoughts, and needs as inconsequential—so much so that I struggled to identify them at all.

Was your childhood similar?

Psychologists describe this as:

1. Childhood emotional neglect: Your emotional needs for comfort, connection, and understanding routinely went unmet.

2. Emotional invalidation: Your distress was dismissed instead of acknowledged.

3. Parental emotional unavailability: Your inner world received little attention or curiosity

4. Authoritarian parenting: Obedience was expected; disagreement and self-advocacy were discouraged.

5. Self-silencing: You learned to suppress your needs to maintain harmony.

6. Alexithymia: You developed difficulty identifying and describing your emotions—a trait associated with both emotional neglect and autism.

(Kick et al., 2024)

Masking reinforced the lesson.

Masking (or “high-masking”) is when someone — consciously or automatically — covers up their autistic or ADHD traits to fit in. Many late-diagnosed women are high-masking: we study others, copy expected behavior, hide discomfort, are hyper-vigilant to other’s needs/responses, and constantly self-correct to fit in (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019; Cook et al., 2022).

Masking taught me to focus on how I appeared instead of how I felt. I became skilled at meeting other people’s expectations while ignoring my own discomfort. Pretending everything was ok, even when things felt wrong. This made me especially vulnerable in workplaces where overwork and self-neglect was normalized.

Corporate work culture exploits self-neglect

Combine my childhood with a late diagnosis, and I was the ideal employee for workplaces to exploit. My upbringing already taught me how to survive hierarchical systems built on self-neglect, so corporate America was familiar:

Authority mattered more than questions. Disagreement was treated as defiance. Executives’ opinions carried more weight than those of the people closest to the work. Being a “high performer” meant over-delivering at the expense of my health.

I knew how to survive in a system like that. Ignore my body. Keep going even when something felt deeply wrong. And because I was “high-performing”, I didn’t recognize how much it cost me. Until I burned out.

Don’t be a “good girl”. Your health depends on it

Burnout was a blessing in disguise, even though at that time, there were mornings I wish I hadn’t woken up and couldn’t imagine things ever getting better. Burnout forced me to acknowledge that something needed to change.

For the first time in my life, I questioned 30+ years of conditioning and realized that being a “good girl”—a “high-performer”— silencing my needs & tolerating discomfort—had left me depressed, anxious, & barely functioning.

For neurodivergent nervous systems, self-neglect and masking can have severe mental and physical consequences. The constant self-monitoring, hyper-vigilance, and effort required to appear “fine” takes a mental, physical, and emotional toll (Hull et al., 2017). It’s been associated with higher rates of burnout, depression, anxiety, and poorer mental health (Benatov et al., 2025).

Life doesn’t have to be this way.

Life improved drastically when I began prioritizing myself. I took medical leave, said “no” to managing other peoples’ emotions, made decisions based on what I wanted and how I felt. Life was a dumpster fire for a while—people left who weren’t worth holding onto, I switched jobs, moved to a different city, had a few “wtf am I doing with my life” moments. But it worked out.

Remember:

You’re allowed to disappoint people. You’re allowed to say no without writing a five-paragraph apology. Stop proving your worth through suffering. Unlearning the “good girl” role may feel selfish, or unsafe at first. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re finally choosing yourself.

Years later, I’m still unlearning my “good girl” habits. It’s a work in progress. Some days I forget, and other days I remember that my needs, my body and my wants matter. And I love that for me.

^{Note: This is my personal experience, not legal, HR or medical advice. If you’re struggling, consider talking to a qualified professional who can help you with your specific situation.}

Burnt out or want actionable steps for prioritizing yourself and setting boundaries?

SUBSCRIBE to be notified when my Medical Leave Tool Kit and Managing Up Toolkit is available. These are research informed guides with step by step actions, written by a HR Expert & fellow ND woman.

Subscribe now

PS - If you need time off because you’re burnt out, learn about your options with an article on Medical Leave HERE

About the Author

Hey, I’m glad you’re here. Starting this newsletter was a way for me to share my special interests, connect with other tired ladies, & help folks who may be struggling like I was. Don’t be shy, say hi.

What am I doing when I’m not writing? I live in the PNW in the U.S, & still work in Corporate America. Outside of that, I’m a garden gremlin, trail troll, weightlifting couch potato, who reads way too many fantasy romance novels. Lately my special interest has been Dahlias & gardening.

References

^{Benatov, J., Sarel-Mahlev, E., & Bar Yehuda, S. (2026). Camouflage, burnout-exhaustion, and depression in autistic adults. Autism in Adulthood, 8(4), 801–808. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2024.0147}

^{Cage, E., & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the reasons, contexts and costs of camouflaging for autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899–1911. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-018-03878-x}

^{Cook, J., Crane, L., Hull, L., Bourne, L., & Mandy, W. (2022). Self-reported camouflaging behaviours used by autistic adults during everyday social interactions. Autism, 26(2), 406–421. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613211026754}

^{Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C., & Mandy, W. (2017). “Putting on my best normal”: Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519–2534. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-017-3166-5}

^{Kick, L., Schleicher, D., Ecker, A., Kandsperger, S., Brunner, R., & Jarvers, I. (2024). Alexithymia as a mediator between adverse childhood events and the development of psychopathology: A meta-analysis. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 15, Article 1412229. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1412229}

I think she was a sociopath.

Obviously I can’t diagnose anyone, but when I hear “horrible bosses”, there is a woman I think of immediately, even almost a decade later. Let’s call her “C”.

I was in my first consulting role, and “C” was a newly promoted manager who treated junior employees like servants. And being the only associate on the project, her demands were directed at me. In hindsight, she seemed to enjoy displaying her authority as a manager, & I was too new to the industry to know what was “normal”.

So, it wasn’t urgent. No one had requested it, and the information wasn’t relevant to the actual project. As soon as I mentioned the Director, she backed off, and the “assignment” was no longer mandatory. It seemed less about getting necessary work done and more about testing whether I would comply.

TLDR

1. Workplace abuse can be covert

2. You’re taught not to trust yourself

3. Masking relabels abuse as a performance issue

4. How to spot a horrible boss

5. What good leadership looks like

1. Workplace abuse can be covert

When we hear “abuse” we often picture screaming, name-calling, or physical aggression. But mistreatment in corporate environments can be much quieter: withheld information, shifting expectations, subtle humiliation, or repeatedly undermining someone’s work. Because the intent is often ambiguous, the pattern can be difficult to identify—especially for autistic people (Andersson & Pearson, 1999; Douglas et al., 2023).

There were other incidences over the course of my time with “C” that felt wrong, but I told myself I was just being “too sensitive” and needed to “work harder”.

Things like:

• Changing requirements after I completed the work, then chastising me for not doing something she never communicated.

• Giving vague “feedback” about my appearance instead of my work

• Expecting me to stay late at the office, even after my work was done, because she hadn’t left yet. (Asking her if there was anything I could help her with was met with “No”).

• Performing kindness in front of leadership, & making snide remarks in private.

There wasn’t just one unreasonable request; it was a repeated pattern that Organizational Psychologists define as “workplace bullying and abusive supervision” (Tepper, 2000).

That conversation was a relief. Because it meant that I wasn’t “too sensitive”. I hadn’t misread the situation. My performance wasn’t the problem. Her leadership was.

2. You’re taught not to trust yourself

At that time in my life, I didn’t know I was autistic or had ADHD. I’d already spent most of adulthood feeling like my needs/reactions were wrong because they were always different from everyone else’s. So when this experience with “C” came up, I was already primed to doubt myself and my perception of the situation.

Research shows that this isn’t an uncommon experience for late diagnosed autistic women. After years of masking and ignoring our discomfort to fit in, we might stop trusting our own judgment when a situation feels wrong (Bargiela et al., 2016; Wilson et al., 2023). So when a manager mistreats us, our immediate thought isn’t “This person is abusing their authority.”

Instead, we might think:

• Did I misunderstand the situation?/Am I overreacting?

• Is this just normal corporate politics?

That’s the trap. Sometimes we’re misreading the situation. Sometimes the situation is the problem.

3. Masking relabels abuse as a performance issue

Many late-diagnosed women are high-masking—they study other people, copy expected behavior, hide discomfort, and constantly self-correct to fit in (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019; Cook et al., 2022).

Along with mistrusting my own perception, I treated her actions as evidence that I needed to self-correct. I thought: “I just need to work harder & prove I can handle pressure”, and “Maybe all new associates figure it out without training and I’m just not cut out for consulting?”

She faced no pressure to change her treatment towards me, until my colleague told the project Director what was happening. My “performance issues” then magically disappeared and her power-play demands decreased.

4. How do you spot a horrible boss?

Workplace bullying is identified by repeated harmful behavior—not whether you can prove intent (Einarsen et al., 2009). Instead of asking yourself whether you’re “too sensitive”, look at the pattern:

1. Are expectations specific, actionable, and documented?

2. Is feedback tied to observable work outcomes?

3. Are comparable employees treated comparably?

4. Are you given the information, tools, and authority needed to succeed?

5. Can you ask for clarification without ridicule or retaliation?

6. Does your boss address problems directly—or keep you anxious and guessing?

7. Are you constantly adapting while your boss remains unaccountable?

If the rules keep changing, the goals keep moving, and asking for clarity gets you punished/ridiculed, stop assuming you’re the problem. (Note: These questions don’t prove abuse. They just help expose a pattern).

5. What good leadership looks like?

According to organizational psychology, a leader’s job is to create the conditions for people to succeed. A good leader makes success possible.

Good leaders:

1. Set clear expectations & provide clarity

2. Make competent decisions

3. Provide the tools & info people need

4. Remove barriers

5. Give direct, actionable feedback

6. Develop and recognize employees

7. Give people autonomy

8. Take responsibility when they get it wrong

   (Yukl, 2012)

What was the outcome?

“C” wasn’t my first horrible boss. I luckily had a colleague who taught me how to “manage up”—strategies for establishing boundaries & polite ways of forcing her to provide clear instructions, under the framework of being a “high performer”.

As a result of “C”, I was able to identify red flags to look out for, and incorporate the lesson into methods that made it more difficult for bad managers to make unreasonable demands (without looking like complete A-holes and having leadership above them see it). Luckily that project was only a few months, so I was able to work under new people who showed me what good leadership actually looked like.

When you spend years assuming your autistic needs and reactions are the problem, you may also blame yourself when someone mistreats you. The goal isn’t to become better at tolerating mistreatment. It’s to recognize the pattern sooner and stop automatically assuming you’re the problem.

Do you have a horrible boss & need some resources?

SUBSCRIBE to be notified when my “Manage Up” toolkit launches (understand how to properly document issues, avoid common mistakes, enforce boundaries & identify legal vs. illegal scenarios).

Subscribe now

If you need time off because you’re burnt out, read about Medical Leave FAQs

About the Author

Hey! I’m glad you’re here. Starting this newsletter was a way for me to share my special interests, connect with other tired ladies, & help folks who may be struggling like I was. Don’t be shy, say hi.

What am I doing when I’m not writing? I live in the PNW in the U.S, & still work in Corporate America. Outside of that, I’m a garden gremlin, trail troll, weightlifting couch potato, who reads way too many fantasy romance novels. Lately my special interest has been Dahlias & gardening.

References

^{Andersson, L. M., & Pearson, C. M. (1999). Tit for tat? The spiraling effect of incivility in the workplace. Academy of Management Review, 24(3), 452–471. https://doi.org/10.5465/amr.1999.2202131}

^{Bargiela, S., Steward, R., & Mandy, W. (2016). The experiences of late-diagnosed women with autism spectrum conditions: An investigation of the female autism phenotype. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 46(10), 3281–3294. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-016-2872-8}

^{Cage, E., & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the reasons, contexts and costs of camouflaging for autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899–1911. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-018-03878-x}

^{Cook, J., Crane, L., Hull, L., Bourne, L., & Mandy, W. (2022). Self-reported camouflaging behaviours used by autistic adults during everyday social interactions. Autism, 26(2), 406–421. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613211026754}

^{Douglas, S., & Sedgewick, F. (2024). Experiences of interpersonal victimization and abuse among autistic people. Autism, 28(7), 1732–1745. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613231205630}

^{Einarsen, S., Hoel, H., & Notelaers, G. (2009). Measuring exposure to bullying and harassment at work: Validity, factor structure and psychometric properties of the Negative Acts Questionnaire–Revised. Work & Stress, 23(1), 24–44. https://doi.org/10.1080/02678370902815673}

^{Tepper, B. J. (2000). Consequences of abusive supervision. Academy of Management Journal, 43(2), 178–190. https://doi.org/10.2307/1556375}

^{Wilson, R. B., Thompson, A. R., Rowse, G., Smith, R., Dugdale, A.-S., & Freeth, M. (2023). Autistic women’s experiences of self-compassion after receiving their diagnosis in adulthood. Autism, 27(5), 1336–1347. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613221136752}

^{Yukl, G. (2012). Effective leadership behavior: What we know and what questions need more attention. Academy of Management Perspectives, 26(4), 66–85. https://doi.org/10.5465/amp.2012.0088}

Alcohol turned down the noise

When I was in my 20s and undiagnosed, alcohol became a coping mechanism.

Despite hating the taste of it, when I drank alcohol, my brain felt calm. I could hold onto one thought instead of having multiple streams of thoughts going in different directions. It was like someone turned down the volume in my brain: I wasn’t analyzing everything at once. I wasn’t anxious. I could articulate my thoughts w/o having to think so hard.

Years later, now that I know I’m AuDHD, I realize that alcohol gave me temporary relief from a brain I didn’t understand.

The job that gave me safety

I finished graduate school and was hired into a “Big Four consulting firm”. This meant more to me than just “having a good job.” It meant financial security—the American dream. I was suddenly working alongside people whose parents were CEOs & Fortune 500 executives—people who grew up with access to a privileged world that was totally foreign to me. Coming from a blue-collar family, I felt like I had made it into a room I wasn’t supposed to be in.

And being in that room meant safety. Growing up with scarcity, it was drilled into me that you worked hard, made sacrifices, & earned as much money as possible so you could take care of yourself & your family. And I had done it. I had something generations of women in my family before me never had—financial security, independence and options.

But it came with a cost

Consulting meant long work hours, demanding clients, Monday-Thursday travel, and enormous pressure to perform. Alcohol was normalized within that environment; it was how people socialized and decompressed after a long day.

This was a standard work day:

• 8am - 6 pm we were at the office

• 6:30 pm - 8 pm dinner with colleagues

• 8 pm -11 pm people continued working in their hotel rooms.

I drank alcohol every evening—not just because I was working in a high-stress environment, but because it seemed to do something else for me: it quieted my brain.

What alcohol does to the brain temporarily

Alcohol affects areas of the human brain involved in reward, stress, inhibition, and executive functioning. It can activate the reward system while temporarily reducing stress and anxiety responses. At the same time, it lowers inhibition and interferes with judgment, self-control, and decision-making (NIAAA, 2021).

So alcohol wasn’t making my brain function better. But in the moment, less anxiety, less inhibition, and less self-monitoring felt like calm.

Instead of:

• Did I say the wrong thing?

• What does that person mean?

• Am I making sense?

• Am I making enough eye contact? Too much?

Plus all the other thoughts competing for my attention at the same time. There was just one thought at a time. And that calm felt incredible.

Alcohol is short-term relief with long-term consequences

The calm comes at a health cost. Factually — alcohol is toxic to the body. It’s a known carcinogen and linked to more than 200 diseases, injuries, and other health conditions. Even one drink a day carries some health risk (WHO, 2024). The effects can also make functioning harder the next day because alcohol disrupts sleep, and impacts your attention span, memory, decision-making, & executive functioning (Gunn et al., 2018).

So I was drinking to get relief from anxiety, mental overload, and exhaustion—only to make those same struggles harder the next day.

And my experience isn’t unique. Research shows that people with ADHD are at higher risk of alcohol addiction, and that autistic adults may use alcohol to cope with anxiety and to make communication & socializing feel easier (Crunelle et al., 2018; Brosnan & Adams, 2020).

Looking back

When I look back now, I don’t see someone who was just drinking too much. I was using alcohol to cope with things I didn’t yet have names for: difficulty regulating my attention, masking, social anxiety, sensory overwhelm, and constantly monitoring myself.

I see a woman desperately trying to hold onto something generations of women in her family never had. And I thought keeping it meant I had to tolerate whatever the job demanded of me.

So I told myself to try harder. I worked 60-hour weeks. I masked. I drank.

Post Diagnosis

I rarely drink now. Not because getting diagnosed made life easier, but because I finally understand why alcohol felt so helpful in the first place. I know what overwhelms me, why my brain gets overloaded, and what I actually need. Alcohol isn’t worth the tradeoff anymore.

The diagnosis has made me look differently at the things I used to do just to get through life. If you’re late diagnosed, you may look back at your own past—drinking, overworking, people-pleasing, masking, isolating, or pushing yourself past your limits and ask: Why was I doing that?

For me, the answer is clear—I was trying to cope with a brain I didn’t understand.

So what now?

If this made you question your own relationship with alcohol, SUBSCRIBE to access a free validated screening tool to help you understand your drinking patterns.

You’ll also get resources for finding healthier ways to work with your brain—from workplace accommodations to templates for interacting with HR and your employer.

Subscribe now

^{Note: This is my personal experience, not medical advice. If you recognize yourself in it, consider talking to a clinician who can help you figure out what you’re dealing with and what support fits.}

References

^{Barber, W., Aslan, B., Meynen, T., Marsden, J., Chamberlain, S. R., Paleri, V., & Sinclair, J. M. A. (2025). Alcohol use among populations with autism spectrum disorder: Narrative systematic review. BJPsych Open, 11(1), e15. https://doi.org/10.1192/bjo.2024.824}

^{Brosnan, M., & Adams, S. (2020). The expectancies and motivations for heavy episodic drinking of alcohol in autistic adults. Autism in Adulthood, 2(4), 317–324.}

^{Crunelle, C. L., van den Brink, W., Moggi, F., Konstenius, M., Franck, J., Levin, F. R., van de Glind, G., Demetrovics, Z., Coetzee, C., Luderer, M., Schellekens, A., ICASA Consensus Group, & Matthys, F. (2018). International consensus statement on screening, diagnosis and treatment of substance use disorder patients with comorbid attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. European Addiction Research, 24(1), 43–51. https://doi.org/10.1159/000487767}

^{Day, A. M., Kahler, C. W., Ahern, D. C., & Clark, U. S. (2015). Executive functioning in alcohol use studies: A brief review of findings and challenges in assessment. Current Drug Abuse Reviews, 8(1), 26–40. https://doi.org/10.2174/1874473708666150416110515}

^{Gunn, C., Mackus, M., Griffin, C., Munafò, M. R., & Adams, S. (2018). A systematic review of the next-day effects of heavy alcohol consumption on cognitive performance. Addiction, 113(12), 2182–2193. https://doi.org/10.1111/add.14404}

^{National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) (2021). The cycle of alcohol addiction. National Institutes of Health. NIAAA source. https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/cycle-alcohol-addiction}

^{World Health Organization. (2024). Alcohol. WHO alcohol fact sheet. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/alcohol}

^{Young, S., Abbasian, C., Al-Attar, Z., Branney, P., Colley, B., Cortese, S., Cubbin, S., Deeley, Q., Gudjonsson, G. H., Hill, P., Hollingdale, J., Jenden, S., Johnson, J., Judge, D., Lewis, A., Mason, P., Mukherjee, R., Nutt, D., Roberts, J., ... Cocallis, K. (2023). Identification and treatment of individuals with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and substance use disorder: An expert consensus statement. World Journal of Psychiatry, 13(3), 84–112. https://doi.org/10.5498/wjp.v13.i3.84}

^{NOTE: This article provides general educational information about U.S. workplace accommodations under the ADA. Eligibility and available accommodations depend on your employer, job duties, medical condition, location, and individual circumstances. Laws, regulations, and employer policies can change. This article is **not** legal, employment, HR, or medical advice. Consider consulting a qualified professional about your specific situation.}

Jump to a question

1. What’s an accommodation?

2. What’s the ADA & EEOC?

3. What companies have to provide accommodations?

4. Do I qualify for an accommodation?

5. Is there a waiting period to qualify?

6. How do I initiate the request?

7. Do I have to reveal my diagnosis?

8. Should my medical provider write a letter?

9. What type of medical info can my employer request?

10. What mistakes should I avoid?

11. What happens after I request an accommodation?

12. Will my coworkers find out?

13. When can my employer legally deny an accommodation request?

14. What accommodations can I ask for?

15. Can they punish me for requesting one?

    ---

1. What’s an accommodation?

An accommodation is a change to how or where you work that removes barriers and gives you equal access to all aspects of employment, including training and advancement (EEOC).

2. What’s the ADA & EEOC?

• The ADA - (Americans with Disabilities Act) is a federal law that protects people with disabilities and requires companies to provide reasonable accommodations to qualified employees.

• The EEOC - (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission) is the federal agency that enforces the laws against workplace discrimination, including the disability protections in the ADA. It’s where you can file a complaint if you’re discriminated against or denied a reasonable accommodation

  (ADA National Network; EEOC).

3. What companies have to provide accommodations?

Most employers — but it depends on the type:

1. Businesses with 15 or more employees (the 15 must be on the payroll for at least 20 weeks of the current or prior year; part-timers count, independent contractors don’t) (EEOC).

2. State & local government employers — city and county offices, public schools, and libraries — covered no matter how few people they employ. Employment agencies and labor unions are covered too (ADA National Network).

3. Federal government jobs are covered under a near-identical law, the Rehabilitation Act, and organizations that receive federal funding are covered by another part of it (Section 504) that can reach employers with fewer than 15 people (EEOC).

4. Exempt from the ADA: businesses with fewer than 15 employees, Native American tribes, and bona fide private membership clubs (EEOC). But many state and local laws set a much lower bar — some as low as one employee — so a small business may still be covered under state law (Northeast ADA Center).

4. Do I qualify for an accommodation?

You likely qualify under the ADA if you meet these 4 conditions.

1. Your employer falls into 1, 2, or 3 listed above in section #3.

2. You’re an employee — not a contractor.

3. You have a condition that counts as a disability under the ADA

   (Autism and ADHD can qualify as disabilities under the ADA if they substantially limit one or more major life activities).

4. You can perform your job’s essential duties (with or w/o an accommodation).

(ADA National Network, EEOC).

5. Is there a waiting period to qualify?

No. There’s no minimum time on the job before you qualify—a new employee may qualify exactly like a longtime one, with no length-of-service, hours requirement or deadline to ask for one (ADA National Network).

6. How do I initiate the request with my employer?

First, check your employee handbook or HR portal for your company’s accommodation process. If you can’t find either, contact your manager or HR representative.

Your request can be verbal or via email; it doesn’t have to be in writing. BUT, requesting it via email is best practice and can protect you if issues come up later (ADA National Network).

7. Do I have to reveal my diagnosis?

No, your request should be focused on 2 areas: work-related limitations and the accommodation that would address it (EEOC). You don’t have to disclose it’s ADHD or Autism.

For example: “I’d like to request an accommodation. I have a medical condition that makes it difficult to concentrate with background noise, and noise-canceling headphones or a quieter desk would help me focus and meet deadlines.”

8. Should my medical provider write a letter?

It’s a good idea but not always necessary. Since autism and ADHD are usually invisible, employers can request more info, but you can make your request first and provide documentation later if they ask.

In many cases, a letter from your provider describing your functional limitations and the recommended accommodation can be enough. But some employers have their own accommodation forms they’ll want your provider to complete instead.

Ask your HR representative whether they require a specific form or whether a provider’s letter is sufficient — that way your provider only has to do it once (EEOC).

9. What type of medical info can my employer request?

They can only ask for enough to show you have a covered condition that creates the need for the accommodation — your functional limitations and how they connect to what you’re requesting. They’re not entitled to your full medical file, treatment history, or diagnosis details (EEOC).

10. What mistakes should I avoid?

1. Over-sharing. People share unnecessary info with HR/supervisors/colleagues—like their diagnosis, treatment plans, & personal struggles. Keep the convo focused on the functional limitations & accommodations you need.

2. Relying ONLY on your manager. Your manager may not know your company’s accommodation process or worker rights. If you have questions about accommodations, email HR or your leave administrator first rather than solely relying on verbal info. from your manager

3. No paper trail. If it’s not in writing, it’s hard to prove. Most protections only kick in once your employer knows you need accommodation — no record means they can say you never told them. A paper trail documents your timeline, prevents disputes over what was agreed upon, and can help show a connection if retaliation occurs after the request.

   (ADA National Network)

11. What happens after I request an accommodation?

Your request kicks off the “interactive process”. The “interactive process” is just a back-and-forth convo between you & your employer to agree on an accommodation that works.

There’s no fixed legal deadline for this, but they’re expected to respond & work with you to identify reasonable solutions—they can’t ignore your request or stall indefinitely. Unreasonable foot-dragging can count as failing to accommodate if a workable accommodation exists (EEOC).

12. Will my coworkers find out?

Your employer generally can’t tell your coworkers that you have a disability or are receiving an accommodation. Only people who need to know — like a supervisor implementing the change or HR — may be informed, and only what’s necessary (EEOC).

13. When can my employer legally deny an accommodation request?

Your employer doesn’t have to give you the exact accommodation you request. They’re required to engage in the interactive process and identify an effective, reasonable accommodation. That means they can suggest other options that address your work-related limitations, as long as the alternative is actually effective and allows you to perform the essential functions of your job (EEOC).

Your employer doesn’t have to:

• Provide an accommodation that’s too costly or disruptive — if it’s very expensive or would fundamentally change how the business runs, that’s an “undue hardship.”

• Eliminate an essential function of your job — they can adjust how you do core tasks, but not remove them.

• Lower performance or production standards that apply to everyone.

• Provide personal-use items you’d need on and off the job (like glasses or a wheelchair).

• Excuse violations of conduct rules that are job-related and apply to all employees.

(EEOC)

14. What accommodations can I ask for?

The key is matching the accommodation to your specific limitation — not just picking from a menu. Employers approve accommodations that address a documented need, so the strongest request names the limitation & the fix together.

Some examples:

• Time: flex hrs, remote/hybrid work, regular breaks, modified schedules

• Communication: written instructions, visual aids, camera-optional meetings,

  (AbsenceSoft, 2026a, 2026b; Sachs Center, 2026; JAN, 2025)

15. Can they punish me for asking?

No. It’s illegal for your employer to punish you for requesting an accommodation. This is called retaliation. “Punishing” means treating you worse because you asked. That includes:

• Firing you, cutting your hours, or lowering your pay

• Skipping you for a promotion, raise, or training

• Moving you to a worse shift or role

• Unfair bad reviews or write-ups

• Leaving you out of meetings or projects

• Suddenly nitpicking your work or being hostile to you

(EEOC)

4 things to know:

1. You’re protected even if they deny the request. You just have to have asked.

2. If the accommodation is denied, the employer should provide a reason & explore alternatives with you rather than just ending the conversation.

3. If bad treatment starts right after you ask, that timing is a red flag. (BUT real performance issues are still fair game — asking doesn’t make you untouchable.)

4. If you believe you’re experiencing retaliation, write down what changed & when. You can get free help from AskJAN.org and file a complaint with the EEOC.

   (ADA National Network)

Need more info on the process?

1. SUBSCRIBE to be notified when the “Accommodation Guide” is available.

   Subscribe now

2. Or reduce the guesswork & book a 1:1 Virtual Strategy Session to organize your documentation, understand the leave process, & get an action plan.

3. You can also read about medical leave FAQs HERE if you’re burnt out.

^{Note: This article is for general understanding, not employment, legal, or medical advice. Information is drawn from reputable agencies and organizations, but laws, guidance, and policies can change. Please consider consulting a qualified professional who can help you figure out solutions that fit your specific situation.}

References

^{AbsenceSoft. (2026a). Top workplace accommodations for employees with autism spectrum disorder. https://absencesoft.com/resources/top-accommodations-for-employees-with-autism/}

^{AbsenceSoft. (2026b). Key strategies for providing ADHD accommodations at work. https://absencesoft.com/resources/accommodating-employees-with-adhd-at-work/}

^{ADA National Network. (2026). A guide to requesting reasonable accommodations. https://adata.org/employment-resource-hub/guide-requesting-reasonable-accommodations}

^{Job Accommodation Network. (2025). Cost and benefits of accommodations. https://askjan.org/topics/costs.cfm}

^{Northeast ADA Center. (2026). What is Title I of the ADA? Cornell University. https://www.northeastada.org/askada/what-is-title-i-of-the-ada}

^{Sachs Center. (2026). The high-masking woman’s guide to ADHD & autism diagnosis in 2026. https://sachscenter.com/the-high-masking-woman-s-guide-to-adhd-autism-diagnosis-in-2026-2/}

^{Sagebrush Counseling. (2026). Autistic women at work: The extra layer of masking. https://www.sagebrushcounseling.com/blog/autistic-women-at-work}

^{Staley, B. S., Robinson, L. R., Claussen, A. H., Katz, S. M., Danielson, M. L., Summers, A. D., Farr, S. L., Bitsko, R. H., & Cree, R. A. (2024). Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder diagnosis, treatment, and telehealth use in adults — National Center for Health Statistics Rapid Surveys System, United States, October–November 2023. MMWR Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 73(40), 890–895. https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/73/wr/mm7340a1.htm}

^{U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. (2026). Facts about the Americans with Disabilities Act. https://www.eeoc.gov/sites/default/files/migrated_files/facts/fs-ada.pdf}

^{U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. (2026). Small employers and reasonable accommodation. https://www.eeoc.gov/publications/small-employers-and-reasonable-accommodation}

^{U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. (2026). The ADA: Your employment rights as an individual with a disability. https://www.eeoc.gov/publications/ada-your-employment-rights-individual-disability}

^{World Economic Forum. (2026). How late neurodiversity diagnoses cost women and economies. https://www.weforum.org/stories/2026/03/invisible-workforce-late-neurodiversity-diagnoses-cost-women-economies/}

^{Content note: This piece mentions suicidal ideation and burnout. If that's a hard place for you right now, take care of yourself—come back when it's right, or skip completely}

There were mornings when I woke up & wish I hadn’t.

Prior to my diagnosis, there were days when my first waking thought was, “I can’t do this anymore”. It was on repeat—as I got ready for work, ran meetings, talked to coworkers, and went through all the actions that made me a “high performer”.

I thought I was just an anxious introvert.

Despite doing well at my corporate job, I never felt like I fit in, and couldn’t relate to the things other people cared about. And the things everyone else seemed to do naturally were things I had to consciously build systems & reminders for.

Things like:

• Being hyperaware of maintaining eye contact

• Consciously maintaining a "friendly" facial expression.

• Hiding sensory overwhelm, & hating obligatory small talk

• Having mental scripts for conversations & rehearsing them in my head

• Creating detailed systems & triple-checking to compensate for executive functioning challenges

• Replaying convos in my head afterward, scanning & analyzing the situation

Looking back, I realized my exhaustion came from the constant self-monitoring required to appear "normal”—e.g masking. It's also one reason many late-diagnosed autistic women are initially diagnosed with anxiety.

Being '“normal” was exhausting.

On the surface, by every measurable metric, I was thriving— good job, good friends, physically fit, financially secure, owned a home, nice travel. But behind the scenes, I was running on empty and couldn’t understand why simply existing was so tiring.

I’d finish work and collapse on the couch. Most days, my dog was the only interaction I had the bandwidth for, and weekends were spent recovering in couch-potato mode. Long periods of alone time was always needed. Even simple text conversations felt mentally draining. And I had zero desire or patience to interact with any human, even people I liked.

Physically my body was healthy - blood tests came back normal, sleep averaged ~8 hours a night, worked out ~4x a week, meal prepped so food intake was nutritionally dense. I looked great.

But I felt like shit.

“Sounds like depression”

My doctor said it was anxiety and depression, and prescribed an antidepressant. I accepted that as the answer—at first. I took the medication as instructed and it seemed to help for a short time. But I was still exhausted, and something in my gut told me it was more than that.

So I kept looking for answers, & spent thousands of dollars trying to figure out why —hormone testing, allergy testing, nutritional assessments, functional medicine. I knew something was wrong; I just didn’t have the right framework to understand what I was experiencing.

And I was right —I now know the depression/exhaustion was the result of prolonged masking and burnout. This is common in late-diagnosed women, because our nervous systems spend years working overtime to manage sensory overload, social expectations, and the constant effort of appearing “normal”.

The “aha moment”

I remember the exact moment a friend mentioned she’d been assessed for ADHD and started describing her brain, and I got this, “omg, is that what it is?!” vertigo.

So I did what we all do. I went down the internet rabbit hole at 2 AM. I took the unofficial quizzes. I watched videos of people explaining things I’d assumed was just my “flaws”. And I scheduled an appointment to get assessed.

The autism piece came later, and slower — because I “didn’t look autistic.” I was “too pretty to be autistic.” I made eye contact. I had friends and accomplishments.

It took a good assessor to point out that I ran my life on coping mechanisms and exhaustion. That I’d built an entire personality out of masking, and then spent years wondering why I was so tired.

Post-diagnosis

The diagnosis helped me understand my brain was built one way, and I was in a world built for another. I’d spent years white-knuckling life and calling it “being an adult”.

But the diagnosis gave me permission to stop forcing myself to fit into something that wasn’t working. It reframed the situation from me just “being weird”, “not trying hard enough” or “antisocial” to “my body needs rest”. I started prioritizing my brain and nervous system — unmasking, noticing my sensory needs, and stopped giving a fu*k about social obligations.

Some mornings are still tough, but I don’t see them as a personal failure anymore. I see them as a sign that I need to slow down, prioritize myself, and give my nervous system the rest it needs.

Are you in burnout or wondering what your options are?

If you suspect you’re in burnout, read about the 9 burnout signs, AuDHD burnout faqs, or review worker accommodations and medical leave articles to explore your options.

Need a detailed step by step?

SUBSCRIBE to be notified when my Medical Leave Starter Kit (with step-by-step checklists, timelines, email templates, and worksheets) is available.

Subscribe now

^{Note: This is my personal experience, not medical advice. If you recognize yourself in it, consider talking to a clinician who can help you figure out what you're dealing with and what support fits. And if you're struggling right now: in the US, you can call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline—free, confidential, and available 24/7.}

You’re good at your job. A “high-performer”. And now things that used to be easy are hard. You’re exhausted and feel like you can’t do it anymore.

What is Autistic burnout?

• Regular burnout is too much work, not enough rest.

• Autistic burnout is chronic stress and a mismatch between what’s expected of you and what you can sustain. It shows up as long-term exhaustion, loss of function, and a shrinking tolerance to stimulation (Raymaker et al., 2020; National Autistic Society).

9 signs of burnout

1. Rest doesn’t fix it

You slept nine hours. You had the weekend. You went on vacation. And you’re still exhausted. Normal tired responds to rest. This doesn’t. (Raymaker et al., 2020).

2. Your sensory tolerance tanked

Things you used to filter out now feel like sandpaper. Lights, pings, someone’s lunch, a coworker’s perfume. A reduced tolerance to stimulation is a feature of burnout (Raymaker et al., 2020).

3. Skills are slipping

Brain fog. A loss of functioning. You forget things. You read the same paragraph five times without understanding the words. Writing an email takes forever. Things that were muscle memory now take real effort (Raymaker et al., 2020).

4. The mask is hard to put on

Small talk. Eye contact. Being “on.” You used to be able to do it. Now you can’t (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019).

5. You’re crushing it at work and falling apart everywhere else

This is the one that keeps women undiagnosed for years. Work gets your best because the stakes are highest, and home gets the leftovers: dishes, laundry, unanswered texts, your health, crackers for dinner, relationships (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019).

6. The meltdowns are getting more frequent

Crying in the bathroom. Going quiet after a big meeting. Sitting in the car spaced out. If it’s happening more often, pay attention.

7. Your special interests aren’t enjoyable

Things that used to light you up feel flat. When they’re no longer enjoyable, or you’re not doing them, that’s a sign.

8. Your body is keeping score

Constant low-grade sickness. Headaches. Stomach trouble. Jaw clenching. Panic attacks. Brain fog.

9. Constantly thinking “I can’t do this anymore.”

Same job, same hours. But you just feel exhausted. You brush it off because nothing’s “bad enough” to explain how you feel, but you’re still miserable regardless.

If any of those are familiar

If this resonates & you’re in a rough spot right now, please reach out to a doctor, therapist, or someone you trust. Recovery isn’t a bubble bath or a week off. It’s lightening the load: fewer demands, less masking, real accommodations, and permission to stop performing for a while (Raymaker et al., 2020).

How do you recover without torching your career?

Read about worker accommodations and medical leave to explore your options. SUBSCRIBE to be notified when my Medical Leave Starter Kit (with step-by-step checklists, timelines, email templates, and worksheets) is available.

Subscribe now

^{Note: This page is for general understanding, not medical advice. If you’re in burnout, please consider consulting a clinician who can help you figure out what you’re dealing with and what support fits.}

References

^{Cage, E., & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the reasons, contexts and costs of camouflaging for autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899–1911. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-018-03878-x}

^{National Autistic Society. (n.d.). Understanding autistic burnout. Retrieved July 1, 2026, from https://www.autism.org.uk/learn/knowledge-hub/professional-practice/autistic-burnout}

^{Raymaker, D. M., Teo, A. R., Steckler, N. A., Lentz, B., Scharer, M., Delos Santos, A., Kapp, S. K., Hunter, M., Joyce, A., & Nicolaidis, C. (2020). “Having all of your internal resources exhausted beyond measure and being left with no clean-up crew”: Defining autistic burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), 132–143. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2019.0079}